Beyond gifts: Raising givers, not just receivers

Beyond gifts: Raising givers, not just receivers (Photo: iStock) For many parents, this final stretch to Christmas is a familiar emotional tightrope. Between school closures, rising costs of living, extended family expectations, and children's growing wish lists, December can quietly become the most anxious month of the year. Beneath the tinsel and wrapping paper lies a deeper parental concern: what are we teaching our children? David Kimutai, a father of two, admits that Christmas conversations have changed over the years. He recalls a moment earlier this month when his nine-year-old asked why they were not hosting relatives this year. "I realised he thought Christmas was about abundance food, people, gifts. I had to stop and ask myself: have I taught him anything else?" David's experience is not unique. As social media amplifies images of curated celebrations and gifts, many children begin to associate Christmas with consumption, and parents feel the pressure to keep up, even when it stretches them emotionally and financially. However, Prof Rebecca Wambua, a child development expert says this pressure moment is also an opportunity. "Children are not born knowing generosity, but they learn it by watching how adults relate to others, especially during emotionally charged seasons like Christmas," she explains. Teaching generosity without guilt One of the greatest mistakes parents make, experts warn, is turning gratitude into a moral lecture, or worse, a source of shame. "Statements like 'you should be grateful, others have nothing' can confuse or burden a child. Gratitude should be taught through experience, not comparison," says David Mburugu, a psychologist. Peter Mwanzia, a father of three, recalls a Christmas when finances were tight after a job loss. "We were honest with the children. We explained that this year would be simpler, and then we asked them how we could still make Christmas meaningful," he says. Together, the family decided to cook an extra meal and share it with an elderly neighbour who lived alone. "What surprised me," Peter says, "was how proud the children felt. It became their idea of Christmas." That pride, experts say, is key. When children are included, not instructed, generosity becomes personal. In recent years, many families have embraced acts of giving donations, visits to children's homes, and community outreach. While these actions can be powerful, counsellors caution against turning charity into performance. "Children are very observant, and if giving is always photographed, posted, and praised publicly, children may learn that kindness is something you do to be seen," notes Catherine Mugendi, a family therapist. Instead, she says, quiet acts often leave deeper impressions. Betty Kawira, mother to three teenagers, recalls choosing not to post about their Christmas tradition of visiting her late husband's grave. "We talk, we remember, we cry, and we give thanks, and through these acts, my children have learned that giving also means honouring memory and presence." For many families, the most meaningful lessons in generosity come not from what is given away, but from what is shared - time, attention, and listening."When parents slow down enough to listen to their children, that itself is generosity, and it teaches them that people matter," explains the psychologist. He says this lesson is especially important in homes navigating separation, blended families, or grief. "In such spaces, Christmas may be quieter, lonelier, or emotionally complex, but still deeply formative." Alayah Mueni, a 15-year-old, describes her most memorable Christmas not as the one with the most gifts, but the one when her father stayed home. "He didn't travel. He just stayed, cooked with us, and listened," she says. "I felt seen." Reframing conversations Experts encourage parents to have gentle, age-appropriate conversations about giving - not to suppress excitement, but to expand meaning. "Children can enjoy gifts and still learn empathy, as these things are not opposites," says the family therapist. She says parents can: talk openly about budgets without fear, ask children how they would like to show kindness, share family stories of generosity from the past, and allow children to feel disappointment, and help them process it. "Resilience is built when children see adults handle limitation with grace," the therapist adds. Long after decorations are packed away, she says, children will remember how Christmas made them feel - were they rushed or heard? Were they pressured or included? Were they taught to compare, or to care? "The greatest gift children carry into adulthood is not what we buy for them, but the values we quietly model when we think they're not watching," reflects Betty. This Christmas, the spirit of giving may not be found in shopping malls or under trees, but in everyday moments of empathy that linger long after the season fades.

Beyond gifts: Raising givers, not just receivers

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