Government panics at prospect of a Kenyan expressing interest in Donald Trump daughter

Fact that Kenyan men like punching above their weights, in as far as mate selection is concerned, is an open secret. In the past, Kenyan men have been in international media for what now seems like a common habit of madly falling in love with daughters of American presidents.

Not too long ago a Kenyan lawyer hit international media headlines after he did a press conference, requesting to marry Obama's daughter, Malia. This came against the backdrop of yet another daring Maasai moran who had made it to international news after he declared interest in Bill Clinton's daughter, Chelsea.

Luckily, in the previous two occasions, the US presidents took it in good humour. This time around, however, with the no nonsense President Trump in office, no one knows how he might react if a Kenyan, people he sensationally claimed "are only good at doping in athletics and forging birth certificates in order to get to the White House" took interest in one of his daughters.

"You don't want to anger him... especially because his daughter getting married to a Kenyan instead of a fellow citizen would amount to a foreigner taking a job from an American or contravene his 'America First' foreign policy!" a former ambassador said, as he fidgeted at the thought of what would happen to the country if another Kenyan man followed the precedent that has already been set. "We don't want a diplomatic tiff with that man," he shivered.

Consequently, officials at the foreign ministry are on high alert and are said to be spending sleepless nights trying to come up with strategies they could employ to diffuse the tension that would build between the U.S. and Kenya if a local man decided to put the interests of his loins ahead of the country's.

"It could be catastrophic especially since the country doesn't have nuclear bunkers that could accommodate all of us, if President Trump decided to test whether he can punch in the nuclear codes as fast as he can fire off a tweet!" said one wag. "We used to have some that were built by a cult whose name I can't remember, but those are not enough... SAD!"

The situation is so tense at the foreign ministry that officials who were on leave have been recalled, just in case some Kenyan man did the unthinkable. The foreign ministry is even said to have sought the help of the local intelligence community so that they can be tipped concerning Kenyan men harbouring such plans beforehand.

Additionally, the foreign ministry has sent out appeals and put out messages on social media, pleading with Kenyan men who may be eyeing one of Trump's daughter to talk to the ministry officials first before announcing their intentions to the world, lest they land the country into a diplomatic war with the US.

"We are urging Kenyan men to please hold their horses... this is not the time to make your feelings known... at least wait until his term is over! In the meantime, download a picture of actor Denzel Washington and use it as your social media profile picture and look for other girls!... Or just ask your neighbour who goes to the gym to pose shirtless and use it as your profile picture! Trust me, it works!" one message reads. "Or just get a free trial version of Photoshop! Put the country first, not your gonads"

The diplomats believe that even local women can play a role in saving the country from future catastrophe by being accommodating to Kenyan men and therefore preventing them from thinking that grass is greener across the Atlantic.

The media is also being urged to play its rightful role by blurring the pictures of the Trump daughters whenever they appear anywhere. It is also understood that the Kenyan Film Classification Board is planning on introducing a Bill that will ensure foreign news are only aired after everyone has gone to sleep, so that no Kenyan man starts getting ideas about any of Trump's daughters.