Why does wanting more make me difficult?

Why does wanting more make me difficult? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend says that I’m difficult to handle, and that I’m always complaining and always nagging. I don’t think that’s true, of course, but why might he think that? And how should I respond?

Difficult

Chris says, 

Hi Difficult!

All men, everywhere, think women are ‘difficult to handle’ and have always thought that! But it’s a particular issue right now, because societies all around the world are changing very quickly. And women are becoming much more assertive than their mothers and grandmothers ever were. 

That’s because women used to be brought up to be much more submissive in the past. Mostly because the high infant mortality rates then meant that societies everywhere needed women to have lots of children. And that led to the patriarchal attitudes we still see today in some highly traditional communities. Where a woman’s only path through life was as a wife and a mother, the men ruled the roost and the women were docile and undemanding. Our parents and grandparents grew up in communities like those, and so somehow we still unconsciously expect that those values are the norm.

But they’re not anymore. Because in modern societies everywhere, women are now educated and expect to work outside the home, and that has started a trend towards women becoming more demanding and independent. That’s also what’s driving the current trend towards later marriage, later childbirth, and smaller families. A trend that’s so powerful that it’s already reducing populations in many parts of the world, and will eventually start to reduce populations in Africa as well.

So your boyfriend’s attitude is really reflecting a change that’s happening all over the world. In which both men and women can lead far more independent lives, and enjoy more challenging careers and lifestyles. Which is a learning experience for men as they acquire the skills they need to cope with more assertive women! Once they do, of course, they discover that they actually like them much more that way. But right now, our love lives have become rather more difficult and confusing!

All the best,

Chris