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Every Wednesday mid-morning, The Standard publishes on its verified Facebook page (Standard Digital) a relationship dilemma sent to us via our Facebook inbox.
On Wednesday, February 8, we published a relationship dilemma of a woman in love with a man into hard drugs. The man has asked for her hand in marriage but she is hesitant.
Hello Standard,My name is Sharon.I am 32 years old. I live and work in Mombasa.I am dating a 28-year-old man, who is doing well for his age. He has asked to marry me, but I am hesitant.He is into hard drugs. He sniffs cocaine and smokes bhang a lot.I'm not sure if he'll make a good husband.I've tried to persuade him to check himself into rehab, but he's refused.I've been with him for three years now. His drug addiction has worsened over the years. Of late, he's started becoming violent.I love him so much, but I'm not sure he'll make a good spouse and father.What should I do?
READER'S RESPONSES
Mwangi Kipkoimet: Self respect means if you conscience does not fit then you're not fit for it , don't always follow the heart for it's forever wicked. Marriage should be a lifestyle not what you're going for.
Shidans Darico: You love him as your younger brother, that's cool now find yourself a real man who will be a father to your kids, a man with good morals.
Austine Odinga Muthiga: Rise above what you feel in your heart, focus on your consciousness in your mind. Love alone cant make a relationship work, if he cant change for the sake of your unity to work, then madam you are wasting your chances. You got to move.
Zipporah N Zippy: You don't love him, you're desperate to get married. You have the answers yourself, that he isn't good for you and can't be a good father and neither a good husband.
Jairo Owa'Matioli: Stop wasting your precious time on him. Relax and get the right man just next to You. There is no love in the world, what you need is peace and you won't ever get it with such a man.
EXPERT'S ADVICE:
Dr. Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.
He says...
Hello Sharon, drug addiction is a lifestyle characterised by abnormal behavior. Drug addicts are usually unable to meet common expectations at work, school or family levels.
It is common knowledge that out of reduced rationality an addict will behave impulsevely, sometimes dropping out of work or school, sometimes selling basic utilities like utensils to purchase drugs, and true, their provocation threshold is much lower.
What are you doing about it? You have advised him to go for rehabilitation but the percent of drug addicted persons who, on the advice of other people, have voluntarily gone to rehab centres is nearly zero. Addiction is a mental disorder and you cannot expect a sick mind to take charge of the situation.
So if you want him to get medical help, visit one of the rehab centers around and seek advice.
It is OK to love and care for a drug addicted person. Seeing him through the treatment would enhance the possibility of him playing the expected roles of a spouse or a father. If however he is not treated, then coupling with a mental patient is not a good idea.
Like you say, you have spent some three years together. That is an indication that, outside the addiction, there are some shared values. Some good things worth fighting for. Inasmuch as faltering is not failure, revisit the positive attributes that were responsible for initial attraction, and together with a rehab treatment, nurture those attributes. Without that, be prepared to live with a junk of a person.
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