Kikuyus, Kambas, Luos or Kalenjins: Who makes the perfect husband material?

Bonfire Adventures Simon Kabu surprises wife and business partner Sarah Kabu a new Range Rover on her birthday.

Other than tall, dark, handsome and moneyed, what do Nairobi women look for in the future father of their children? Apparently, goeographical location is a factor ro consider for potential Baba Jayden. After speaking to a couple of women, here are the findings. While some of the opinions in the list are not the gospel truth, others are right on the money; literally.

Taita men

The Taita have some of the best poets which is really good when it comes to 'tuning' a woman. Women adore the Mwandawiros and Mwang'ombes believing 'Kiswahili yao ni mambo yote' and are thus in demand from Kaptagat to Kaloleni. They are not only light skinned and calm, but also collected when making decisions, most women's dream.

Positive: The Mwang'ombes are very romantic and know how to tune (sweet talk) women. Even better than the Omondis. Most Taita men are irresistible lookers.

Negative: Most are 'pin weights' due to eating small food rations. They are "Yes" men, conformist bootlickers who're easily controlled by those in authority. They are ridiculously loyal. Ever wondered why Kibaki and Kenyatta chose Taita men as their aide-de-camp? They love sex and booze (which makes them behave like they're high on cheap Oriental herbs). Taita men are also vulgar and uncouth, spitting out big unmentionable words embarrassing you in front of your girlfriends, when provoked.

Luo

'Jatelos' are said to be romantic and extravagant to a fault. They will take you shopping to Dubai and dine you in posh restaurants till the next light skinned interested lass emerges. Image is everything for our Lakeside crew brothers. Calvin Aristotle Onassis Omondi-McOgego would rather burn quid on a Mercedes without qualms parking it outside a grass thatched hut in Akala village!

Positives: They are the best players, and not necessarily for Gor Mahia. Not that it's something to clap home about, but if Omondi-McOgego cheats with an 'arrangement' you may never know as they hardly give you a reason to. They know how to treat 'my woman.' They must have gone to the same school with the most sought after men in Africa, the Nigerians!

Negatives: Calvin Aristotle Onassis Omondi-McOgego thinks of investing back home in Akala village, but fears 'chira'...being bewitched. They are always whining, complaining and 'fighting' for fairness/ equitable distribution of resources. Meets ten Omondi-McOgegos in a 'Luo pub' with loud Lingala and Ohangla music and each has 20 beers waiting for action while discussing Raila's slim chances in 2017 general election. They also don't believe in dialogue and would rather 'throw stone missiles' to express disappointment, and not necessarily when Gor Mahia loses a match. Omondi-McOgego can be proud even when he has 'nothing.' In fact, the Omondis can live beyond their means in Nairobi, showing off, only to retire stranded in the finance department!

Maasai

How did the 'Ndawuos' and 'Njores' make it to number three? See the thought of a man who kills lions with his bare hands is quite attractive away from the stereotyped 'charcoal vendors' clutching a spear in one hand with his red cloth wrapped around his waist or over his shoulders. And you wonder why foreigners in coastal beaches are always asking where they can see a 'Maasai'?

Positives: A well groomed Maasai is very handsome. Most get scholarships abroad through NGO's so that they can develop their home areas. And they do! In fact, they are very passionate about it. I mean look at former Narok County government aspirant, Ledama Ole Kina from Oloombokishi village!

Negatives: Stay away lady for sure you will be played. Yes! They are very ruthless womanisers especially the moneyed and good looking. The worst bit about Sempeles is that they will use you and leave you as soon as the next beautiful skirt wearer comes their way. The illiterate are very difficult to deal with.

Kalenjin

Ears alert gold diggers, the Kip-somethings have cash. And just like Simiyus the 'Cheps' only live in Nairobi only to earn a living. He has a 1300cc jalopy in Kericho where his small farm is. Believes Kikuyus are thieves. Drinks beer/Choma alone or with the 'boys from home' while peppering talk in mother tongue.

Positives: Though they are the cheaper version of the Maasai they still own some bragging rights. Save for financial stability Kalenjin men are said to be brave, strong, even-tempered and peaceful among themselves, trustworthy, sexually strict, and never neglect their culture.

Negatives: They are chauvinists. They believe offering a good house and financial stability for the family is everything but ladies want to be loved and satisfied sexually too. Though they love the wife/partner and children they tend to have side dishes.They are stingy to their wives. To them, a woman and kids are the same!

Luhya

Most gate 'soldiers' in Nairobi are Shirandulas. How they manage to attract more than three wives; two in Emanyulia, Kakamega, and a 'nyumba ndogo' in Nairobi is a mystery social scientists are still working on. Luhya men are ambitious though. Even a 40-year old Luhya watchman still hopes to steal his employer's job one day. And a promotion will surely ease the burden of bringing up families besides moving houses from Kawangware.

Positive: Depending on your libido make sure your bed is strong enough to accommodate these bedroom bullies who according to testimonials, never tire. Luhyas don't like leaving evidence around so don't worry about child support when he leaves you. Luhyas are the real Africans. He will always come bearing gifts whenever he visits his shagz; mkarango, ingokho, guavas and sugarcane!

Negatives: Always dancing to Rhumba as they discuss their amazement of the Kikuyu success story. They also love going shagz every other weekend. They eat too much. They are very traditional with a domestic mindset...if the wife threatens to run away, they slaughter everyone before unsuccessfully trying to commit suicide!

Kikuyu

Their ambitious and hard-working nature dates back to the era of Chief Wang'ombe whose clansmen used to steal from Arab caravans passing through Central Kenya. For that reason the Kamandes, Kang'ethes and Kariukis walks, eats and dreams of kamugunda (shamba) and buroti (plots), matatus and company shares. In fact, they are often too busy minting mullah to invest in another 'nguno' the cow at his kamugunda they may forget about Mama Gacheri, the long-suffering wife. To a Kikuyu man, a woman is a social trophy during drinking sprees where discussions are pegged on more investment plans, read burotis. These hustlers from the House of Mumbi can also trim the edges of honesty when opportunity presents itself.

Positive: They are hardworking, but every single cent must be accounted for in their strict, mean budgetary systems. Kamande is therefore the ideal hubby for the industrious woman. Kikuyu men make the best ancestors due to that not so small matter of Old Money from a grandpa who had big financial dreams!

Negatives: A typical Kikuyu man's luxury car is a pick-up, double cabin, and he believes in relaxing in Kanyenya-ini village weeding the shamba and milking 'nguno' the cow not frolicking on the beach in Mombasa. For this reason, women think the Kamandes are unromantic and unadventurous. Their perfect date is dancing to Mugithi at Jambo Bar&Grill while tearing at roast goat ribs! They also love moving around with fellow village boys from Kanyenya-ini, speaking in mother tongue even among non-Kikuyus. If you are thinking of assuming the mother-in-law, steer clear of Kamande. Kikuyu men are mama's boys. So the way to his heart, is through his mother. They are also said to be poor in the fashion department and the uncultured can be very crude. A must-have in every Kikuyu man's wardrobe includes Savco and 1.5 Freezer jeans preferably brown, Chicago Bulls T-shirts, Northstar sneakers, an over sized Kenyatta leather jacket and a 'Godpapa' hat whether fake or original. While drinking, a typical Kikuyu will keep on squinting at the bill every two minutes!

Kamba

They are said to have sexual athleticism that makes very liberal in bedroom matters. They are also known to sing loud while drinking as they talk about sex and argue who is better between Ken Wa Maria and Kativui. All this happens in a club in Mlolongo and after a good sale of second hand tyres.

Positive: They are very submissive and will do anything just to keep you around. Don't believe this? Try calling Nzomo, your Kao' buddy from a bar at some devil hour. He will come running as your girlfriends remain behind dancing to Beyonce's Single ladies!

Negatives: 'Wakanesas' are cowards and easily used even if they don't get anything in return.They are also 'water melons' who hardly make firm decisions on their own. When drank, a 'Kao' can be silly and start pulling an 'Afro Sinema'.

Meru

'Vaite Murumes' ego surpasses reality. It is taboo for Murume to enter the kitchen. One got sacked when a woman was promoted and Mithika was the tea boy...who couldn't serve a woman boss. A proper Kinoti would rather starve to death than cook for himself. These hot tempered men do not take disappointment well. They are famed for either killing or breaking down in tears like a baby after rejection.

Positive: They are not only hardworking but also the best time keepers in Kenya. Ever wondered why there is always a Probox accident along the Nairobi-Thika highway. Well, that's because they were probably racing to get to Miraa to the airport in time. For them, time and money go hand in glove.

Negative: Njoka has a temper that can distill chang'aa or boil porridge. When provoked he will very easily turn you into minced meat. Attending Washington State University doesn't count as the accent picked from Muringene-Kutus (an not necessarily when picking miraa) remains. They have an attitude problem. They take everything personally. They are also bossy in a relationship with Mwari.

Kisii

Just like their Meru brothers the Mogakas are hot tempered like a mchawi being lynched alive. They prefer marrying Kwamboka, Kerubo and Kemunto because, they believe, women from other communities lack morals. Momanyis, Makoris and Mairuras are also clingy and hopeless in love and don't know how to let go!

Positive: When Momanyi falls in love with a woman he gives it his best. When you break up Momanyi will still pursue you for month which is an ego boost for the typical Nairobi woman. Nothing is as fulfilling as bragging to her girlfriends: "Imagine my ex is still calling me!"

Negatives: These guys are rude, arrogant and treat women like children. They are also nagging and tend to speak in shrill sopranos when angry. They also don't know when to stop talking. They are too traditional, patriarchal and can shamelessly ask a woman for sex after spending a Sh100 on her!

Turkana

They rarely marry outside their community. Even the few who are educated and living in Nairobi still talk about marrying 'Msichana wa nyumbani.'

Positive: Once a Turkana man tastes the befits of education in the city he will make sure that everyone around him understands. He is not only an asset to you and your children but the community as a whole.

Negative: Truth be told, these brothers are tall, dark but nothing close to handsome!