Help! My husband and I argue a lot

Why is it so hard to sort out our differences? [Courtesy, Freepik]

Hi Chris,

I love my husband, but these days we seem to spend all our time in miserable arguments. About literally everything! Why is it so hard to sort out our differences?

Endless Rows

Hi, Endless Rows!

Somehow the closer you are to someone, the harder it is to argue with them. Because your emotions are fuelling the quarrels, not logical reasoning.

And those emotions are generally driven by deeper issues than whatever you are disagreeing about. So if you cannot seem to fix things, start digging.

The most common issue is power and control. So maybe your husband is trying to be in charge? Or maybe you are!

Help each other to be less controlling by staying calm. Try saying things like, "That is a good suggestion, I will think about it" and then deflecting the conversation onto something else.

But what if some of the criticisms ring true? If either of you is resisting good advice, ask yourselves why. So you can adopt good suggestions, and reject the rest. And begin to develop a more equal relationship together.

Another common problem is how you feel about each other. Many fights are another way of saying, "I do not like you much right now."

So how do you get to like one another more? Show more affection! Every relationship needs kisses, caresses and kind words to feel secure.

Tell one another how much you mean to each other. Make a point of touching each other affectionately. Kiss and cuddle when you are alone. Sleep snuggled up like a pair of spoons.

Your relationships will also improve if you both feel you are being listened to. So look closely at one another when you are speaking. Lean a little closer. Smile. Make little ‘hmmm’ and ‘ahah’ noises that say you are paying attention. Use phrases like "I understand how you feel…" so that you are both aware that you matter.

Show a genuine interest in each other’s day. Ask how the meeting went. Or whether the headache is gone. Focusing on underlying issues like these will help you to resolve the differences between you.

All the best,

Chris