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Home / Relationships

10 Ways Kenyans hide clande names in phones

 Photo; Courtesy

It is believed that men will always cheat. But women too have upped their game and will keep a toy boy or two. Catching a cheating spouse is very easy, but first you’ll have to break through the security pattern of his or her phone, get the PIN to unlock it and eventually thumb print identification to let you in on his secrets. See? Quite easy!  Now all you need to do decipher how that clande is saved in the phone.

Here are a few tips to help you in your snooping ways:

1. John Plumber

The long-suffering wife has no reason to suspect John the plumber, especially if the hubby is in construction.  If only she knew that the ‘plumber’ is actually a nubile college girl whose real name is Joan...!

The construction businessman is the one who ‘unclogs’ Joan. But all hell will break lose when John Plumber calls at 2am when the hubby is asleep and wife picks the call, only to be greeted with: “Nimefika home sweetie, thanks, na uwache mchezo!”

2. Mike Mechanic

The mechanic is on the speed dial of most owners of the katoyo brand of cars. The mechanic also has a licence to call any time of the night to find out if umefika salama. But to all the naive women out there, Mike could doubles up as a nyumba ndogo!

3. OCS Rongai

How can a sane wife doubt ‘OCS Rongai’? After all, this is the cop who helped hubby when Alcoholblow was planted on the Nairobi-Magadi road and he was arrested when you were returning home from a ‘loose mbuzi thing’ at Olepolos Country Club.

A wife will also support the idea for mzee to go buy nyamachoma and copious amounts of booze for the OCS. But surprise, surprise, the ‘OCS’ is actually ‘Olive Chepkemei Some’, a cute cop whose rent the man pays in Rongai, where she handcuffs the randy hubby to her bed for a kinky session.

4. Prophetess Pastor Wanjiku

Her real name is indeed Wanjiku, but there is nothing spiritual about her relationship with your man, apart from the fact that baba watoto fills her up with alcoholic spirits, and then she takes him high into her heaven.

5. Mtu Nguyas

Unless wifey is clinically paranoid, how can one even suspect the hubby beds a thing called Mtu Nguyas? Mtu Nguyas happens to be that Manzi Nguyas he left in his old hood and whom he meets for ‘old time’s sake.’

6. Daddy

Few men in their right mind can pick father in-law’s call. Even when dead drunk. But ‘Daddy’ could be your wife’s financier, who works up her ‘spreadsheet.’ Of course the alarm will be triggered when the man happens on Daddy’s text with a not so cryptic message that: “Meet u sweet thing 2moro @Bikinis Bar 9pm then ni chape isusu!”

7. CEO/Boss

The dosi in the corner office can call any time, day or night. So, ‘CEO calling’ raises no eyebrows, but ‘CEO’ could actually be the ‘other guy’ on the wings just in case ulete nyokonyoko!

8. Morris Taxi

Every city woman has a reliable cab guy for those days she’s stranded. But don’t be surprised if  ‘Morris Taxi’ is her favourite makanga on the Buru 58 route who drives her bonkers.

8. Nick Nails Salon

You might not read so much in a call from Nick the salonist. But you better man, for Nick could be your woman’s ex-file who nails her most Sunday afternoons after church, which you don’t attend owing to that small matter of a killer hangover.

9. Kelly Handbags

You won’t suspect the man who supplies her with those trendy outfits now would you? But ‘Kelly Handbags’ also saved under other names like ‘Kevin Viatu’ and ‘Kalvin Dresses’, could be  mama’s toy boy (who dresses her) then undresses her during those out of town booty calls, when you are on a business trip.

10. Lawyer Dan

He is probably Duncan from USIU and the only law he knows is: ‘Don’t call a married a woman between 6pm and 8am.’



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