I am writing this on behalf of all African men who were brought up well under strict conformity to our virtues. All men who respect the privacy of romance.
Questions have been raised over why most of us do not like weddings. Indeed, many African men skip this important stage of life, and this is not because weddings are expensive, no. We spend cumulative millions of money on things that aren’t as worthwhile.
For example, we drink thousands of shillings every weekend; we spend a lot on electronics and side chicks and so on. So money is not the problem.
Something we certainly have an issue with is this kissing of the bride during weddings. Do you all really expect us to kiss in public? Is that even African?
We were brought up to handle all issues romance in private. That’s why an average African man would almost always prefer to make out in darkness. We even get appalled when we watch television and see couples walking in broad daylight while holding hands. To us, that borders on pornography.
Why would you subject us to the ordeal of planning a wedding? It’s an ordeal because of the expenses involved. Not forgetting the relatives you have to ferry from the village, the copious amounts you have to spend on wedding reception venues, the food - and you know people do not come to weddings to eat bad food. They come to eat exotic dishes and dare they miss food, your wedding will become the talk of town for the rest of the year. All this and you still subject us to kissing the bride?
The kind of audience that graces our weddings cannot allow us to engage in any kind of public romance. Talk of our parents. Remember these are the same people who, just recently, would beat the heck out of us if they found out that we had invited a girl home.
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We feared engaging in anything remotely sexual so much that once we came of age, our cottages were constructed metres away from our parents’ houses lest our escapedes were discovered.
Apart from our parents, our revered aunts also grace our weddings. These are the same people to whose houses we were dispatched to for sensitivity training whenever we erred in one way or another.
Aunts deserve maximum respect. Can you really kiss a woman in front of your aunt? The audience in African weddings also include the revered ‘Mama Kanisa’, in-laws to be, younger relatives....
This is a humble appeal to all authorities concerned with weddings. If you do not wish to see the dwindling number of weddings, review that clause or replace it with something uniquely African.
If you want us to hug, we can, but that will also take a struggle. Otherwise, we are fine with just shaking hands with our brides or something of that sort. Kissing is a no. May you all have an Africanly romantic weekend.
@aseri-the-prince on twitter