Help! I can’t stand my newly-wed wife’s snoring and farting in bed

Dear Uncle Ted,

We wedded three months ago after dating for one year. We had never been intimate before because we are both born-again Christians and we made the choice to remain celibate until our big day. But on our honeymoon, I was shocked when my wife broke wind and snored like a tractor! I excused her because she was tired and we had eaten lavishly, only to discover it is a daily torment. I can’t take this anymore.

Victor

Hi Victor,

There are those who say it is prudent to test-drive a car before signing on the dotted line, but that view is of course at variance with the holy book; never mind that King David ravished Bathsheba before any wedding was done while her husband Uriah was very much around.

Now, you married for better or worse. If you were to have a little chat with men whose spouses hate water, wear the same clothes for days, don’t brush their teeth and nag 24/7, you would welcome your wife’s right to exercise her ‘freedom of expression.’ Besides, men have been snoring and blowing methane gas in their wives’ faces since Adam.

Be proud that you’ve been chosen and blessed to take a blow for the girl child!