The Retrosexual

By Silas Nyanchwai

I have never fancied weddings. Never have. And never will. Weddings are annoyingly one-sided, and often a pageant for the bride and her girls to parade themselves with giggly smiles. By the way, why are the other girls always hotter than the wife-to-be?

Anyway, the man must give in to inane demands for an occasion where his role is to stand there looking silly and awkward, waiting to be handed the smallest handcuff known to man (that is, the wedding ring) and recite vows that neither of them will live by.

Yet, as an adult with an average income, part of the occupational hazards of your mundane existence is to receive a long and winded text inviting you to a wedding fundraising. The text often cites the joy that comes with a God-sanctioned marriage. Yet breaking marital vows now is as normal as politicians reneging on their campaign promises. You show up for the fundraiser anyway. You are duty-bound by friendship, societal expectations and any other cultural thing that binds people out here.

You get there and the budget is pronounced as a modest Sh2 million. The overzealous emcee will claim that close to half the money has been raised. For an hour or two you will be subjected to a humiliating exercise that will shake everything in your pocket. Shockingly, some individuals even want you to fund their honeymoon.

If I had powers, I would urge men to try and make weddings efficient. I consider one less of a man if he lets people fund his marriage. For someone not immediately given to marriage or raising a child, every time I attend a wedding fundraiser or is asked to give money towards congratulating a friend or a colleague for becoming a parent, my blood boils.

That is an investment I have no interest in at all. You will think that you have escaped herd mentality after high school or university, but the office also breeds the same.

The only occasion where I often feel obliged to contribute, and I often do it from my heart, is towards a medical bill or a funeral (even though some funerals are also becoming scandalously expensive).

Back to weddings and marriages. Women are often guided more by age than resources. Although this is changing lately this is changing, a woman always seems ready to go, whichever comes first — the man or the resources. If a reasonably well-off man can commit, the society has no qualms the woman getting married and living off the man until she can start earning her cash, or otherwise.

For men, we are always urged to have our granary full before you can ‘bring over someone’s daughter’. As men we are instinctively aware of this fact, even though the pressure after 28 can be unrelenting. Even when you have enough anecdotal evidence that marriage is broken, they will hear none of it. They believe that you should try and fail than never try at all.

They will blackmail you about the realistic dangers of marrying late. They can offer to support you materially, or even recommend some woman for you. But what really makes my blood to boil is when they opt to blackmail you with death and the risk of dying without leaving your generation behind. Is it that serious even with over 6 billion people in the world?