Tinga plays hardball with the Brits to keep Mariga in game

Peter Kimani

Tinga, our beloved Prime Minister, had premium news that came rather late. The Son of Soil, McDonald Mariga was going to play in the English Premier League by any means necessary.

The news was not just a pleasant distraction from the Murang’a councillors who just can’t quite decide whether to welcome Tinga there or even whether his advisor Miguna Miguna needs a visa to the district. Or perhaps whether certain rituals are required before the PM can be enthroned as a Kikuyu elder.

The latter is actually not on the cards but given our predilection for validation, it is not entirely out of the question to consider Tinga for enthronement as an elder.

Collective Pride

But the reason Kenyans were so elated about Tinga’s intervention in Mariga’s debacle with the British Home Office, is no doubt informed by our collective pride that we would finally claim English soccer as our own.

We do it nonetheless, taunting how "we" defeated "you" even when the contestants are small English teams from the Isle of Wight.

But the indefatigable Tinga, the one who calls matatu drivers to order when they go on strike, dedicated three long hours this week talking to any British officer who cared to listen about the need for Mariga to secure a work permit in Queensland. It is hard to guess how he may have soothed the British, now bitter in the fog of the season’s chill, but he probably attempted the singsong: Tinga na mpira, anachenga moja anapatia Mariga… Mariga… na mpira Mariga anakweenda anapiga gooooooaaal!"

Alternately, Tinga could have chosen to speak with his teeth clenched, before dropping the clincher: "Hata hiyo Manchester City, itakuwa ni chama!" warning the British Home office that lack of support could only yield in a political falling through the formation of a new political party to challenge their authority as he did with Kanu.

Triumphant

That’s not the kind of message that the British Labour Government would like to hear, now that they are facing the polls.

Mariga’s permit was finally granted, Tinga said triumphantly, although his detractors claimed his intervention was a guilt trip prompted by his alleged meddling in local footie.

This, they charged, saw brilliant local coaches like Francis Kimanzi replaced with foreigners like Antoine Hey who harvested nothing but free cash as Harambee Stars went in a free-fall. But then, we know the river courses through surmountable barriers, and Hey is one such feature.

In July 2007, the Stars hit the rock bottom at position 137 in World Fifa rankings. The men in charge were Ghost Mulee as coach, with Mohamed Hatimy and Sam Obingo as Kenya Football Federation chairman and secretary general, but do we say?

Mbugua’s less honourable call

I know Kamukunji MP Simon Mbugua is a busy man, and so he might not answer all calls placed to him, as I did early in the week.

I read he had been busy haranguing with Stanley Livondo, the politician with such lofty dreams he campaigns from choppers.

But the two gentlemen were on solid ground when they met before their conversation veered dangerously towards Mbugua’s ananiogopa (he is afraid of me) chants and Livondo apparently brandished a gun in Mbugua’s face.

I suspect these are rumours but when the two are done with fighting, could Mheshimiwa Mbugua wire the donation he pledged towards the treatment of the Maasai boy mauled by hyena late last year?

I think he had mobilised other washemiwa, including Embakasi MP Ferdinand Waititu, who is also an experienced stone-thrower, to donate towards the boy’s treatment. The boy is back in hospital. He needs all the help.

Men armed to the teeth

William ole Ntimama is a courageous man. In the days of Baba na Mama, he did not hide his disdain for scribes, as confirmed by the famous statement made by his crony Mulu Mutisya about them being conceived in less edifying circumstances, hence their frazzled temperaments.

Then there was that lying low-like-an-antelope or envelope glib that Big Bill drove home with exaggerated squeaky mirth that sounded like a flute blown from the bottom.

But the Big Bill has lost none of the fire in his belly; he is still letting rip and shooting from the hip.

Hear him: "Munir did not break into the armoury," he said of his constituent charged with illegal possession of military hardware. "He was given the ammunition. Somebody gave him…"

George Saitoti cowered, shoulders stooped and a frown spread over his face before unleashing meaningless academic rhetoric, "Where did those arms come from?" I think we know that already.

"Where were they headed?" That’s for the Internal Security minister to find out. He should start by interrogating Big Bill.

QuickRead

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He loves his wives, but loves his children even more. He just got his 20th child; there is a new bride on the wings, and his country is hosting the World Cup in a few months.

So when he put a young woman in the family way, Zuma admitted liability and paid a fine. A big lesson for Kenyan politicians.

Mwakwere should keep options open

This is a goodwill message to Transport minister Chirau Ali Mwakwere. By the time you read this message, Waziri you might be out of a job as MP for Matuga. This could mean automatically losing your ministerial post, which would be a shame, given your zeal in fixing the ferries that stall on the Indian ocean with surprising regularity.

But I am certain you will never run out of options for things to do. You could consider, for instance, devoting some attention to the matatu business since you own a matatu.

Deported al-Faisal still causing trouble

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Apparently, the court papers served by a learned friend for his production were declared "fake." That could mean "forged" but then legal jargon may not always mean what mortals think…

Needed: Information superhighway on road

We know this is the beginning of Reconstruction, but when roads disappear overnight, and without warning, then that’s a recipe for disaster.

Motorists using Thika Road drive with hearts in their mouths, never quite sure if their regular roads shall be there tomorrow.