Is honesty the best policy in marriage?

Hi Chris,

I have always believed that a couple should be completely open and honest with each other, and that is what I have always tried to do with my husband. And most of the time that does seem to be the best policy.

But we still seem to fall out from time to time, sometimes quite spectacularly, so I find myself tiptoeing around some subjects, for fear of starting another argument. Surely that is a red flag, isn’t it? Is honesty really the best policy in a relationship?

Open and Honest

Chris says,

Hi Open and Honest!

Being open and honest is definitely the key to every successful relationship. Therefore, you must always bring up anything that is bothering you - but in a sensitive manner. Of course, there are still some things you should not say at all.

Like you are bound to compare your husband to other people you dated. But keep your thoughts to yourself. It is also not a good idea to pry into his previous partners’ persona.

On the other hand, your husband might be doing something completely innocent that reminds you of a previous bad experience. Making you unreasonably suspicious if an ex cheated, for example. Bringing everything like that into the open generally solves the problem.

Our eyes are also bound to wander! We are just wired that way, especially men. So long as he is only harmlessly glancing at passing strangers, mentioning those moments will only cause endless and pointless rows.

Avoid ‘You always…’ arguments. They will just put you both on the defensive. Instead only discuss specific events, stressing how each one made you feel, and what you can do differently next time.

You must be open and honest about your finances. Be diplomatic, because that is always a hot topic, and always give each other time to prepare for your discussions.

Openness and honesty are also very important when talking about sex. Many couples find the whole subject hugely embarrassing. But becoming truly intimate means discussing literally everything. There is no doubt that you will have much more fun in bed once you can talk openly about what you want.

Then there are your in-laws. Do not try to keep your feelings hidden, but be respectful. Exactly how you would want your partner to talk about your family if the situation were reversed.

Never ambush your husband on a difficult subject, especially if either of you is stressed. Fix a time in the next day when he is relaxed. Your conversation will go much better if you are both prepared for the discussion.

And think about how you both react to what you are being told. If you are always giving each other a hard time, you will soon stop talking about anything at all! Instead, become good non-judgmental listeners, and you will always be able to talk openly about anything.

All the best,

Chris