Confessions: Months after ghosting me he now wants me back

I was in love with a guy I grew up with. We had been dating for a while but I didn’t like the fact that he was too proud and kept threatening me that he had plans of relocating to the US. He was also fond of ignoring my texts and calls but anytime I did that to him, he accused me of cheating on him. We parted ways when he impregnated another woman and I had enough proof he was responsible for it. We haven’t seen each other for a while but he suddenly wants me back. I still have feelings for him but I’m too scared he might break my heart again. Should I give him a second chance?

{Sheila}

What the readers say:

Sheila, follow your instinct! You have said three things that are very clear to me here. The unadorned truth here is that you people are meant to be together; husband and wife. Despite all the disappointments, you have loved him all through. Your love hasn’t withered either. If he is not aware, then your inner feeling is that you should spend the rest of your lives together. The point here is that even though you have not communicated this to him, he is missing a point. Sit him down and discuss frankly what your heart desires. Let him be led into proposing, your heart yearns for this! If he is not reading between the lines then use other avenues to drive this ‘thought or feeling’ to him. You can also use trusted friends. All the best in your quest!

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

I just wonder what else you need to prove that this is an unreliable man! Don’t you realise that you are around to serve his convenience. Your biggest tragedy will come from your inability to be resolute. Can you walk ahead with a clear mind of what you want for yourself and should you realise that he is the one you want, get back to him. Let him know what you want for this relationship. Complain not and wait for your results.

[Tasma Saka]

Boke says:

Dear Sheila,

Starting from a platonic friendship and transitioning into a romantic relationship has its good and bad side.

The good is that, in a platonic friendship, you keep it real and you have no pressure to go out of your way to impress, therefore you are projecting your true selves. This level of comfort is not always experienced in relationships that start the romantic way. There is no fear that one day one of you will change or show their true colours because what you see is what you get.

The bad side of this is that the individuals are likely to be so familiar with each other to the point of taking each other for granted, therefore making no effort to improve on oneself.

Your boyfriend is at that point with you. He has reached a level of being contemptuous. The things he is doing and his behaviour towards you is an indication of how much he has commonised you. For some reason, he believes that you will always be there, you understand him and will take his nonsense.

No individual is perfect, that is why you need to be decisive on this matter. Judge for yourself if you can put up with all his behaviour. But to the extent of infidelity, I would strongly discourage you from going on with this relationship. Saying you are fixing things is a lie because this man, unless something dramatic happens, is not likely to change.

This relationship could be a comfort zone for you but you deserve better, do not allow anyone to devalue you. Being together for a long time does not make you indebted to him or to the relationship.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Sheila, I am not sure exactly what he means by wanting to work things out with you after treating you like it doesn’t matter all this time. What does he want to work out? How will he deal with the upcoming baby? What relationship does he have with the other woman? Also, can he explain what exactly he feels about you? How would he explain the pride he has carelessly flaunted upon you?

I think I know what is going on here; if the two of you have known each other since you were young then he is just harbouring contempt for you and he may never take you seriously. You see, to him, you are more like a sister rather than a girlfriend and that is why he may not care very much how he treats you. This is why he takes every opportunity to tick you off then comes crying when you ignore him and throws accusations about you having another man. This guy has no feelings for you and all he wants is to have his cake and eat it. He has no plans for you but he wants to keep you wrapped around his finger for obvious reasons.

Finally, let us look at things from the lens of reality. This man has impregnated another woman but is still claiming to want to fix things with you. That woman has seemingly assumed a greater status in his life than you may have with him and in his mind – if he is a sober, young and responsible man, he probably knows that it is better to deal with one problem than three. If anything, his best option (feelings or no feelings involved) is to now look for ways to deepen his relationship with the other lady. If he chose to proceed with that relationship he has with you, this will only create a lifelong problem of having to deal with you, his baby mama and his baby which as of now is really not necessary. You also don’t want to deal with such kind of drama every day of your life and more so when you got into it knowingly.

 Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor