Men talk: Rules from the male side ladies should know

Last month and last year were all different time zones and a different decade altogether. And since we always hear about ‘the rules’ from the female side, here are the rules from the male side.

Please note, these are all numbered ‘1’ on purpose!

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2.  Saturday/Sunday = Sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3.  Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4.  We do not shop; We get.

5.  Crying is blackmail.

6.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9.  A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10.  If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

11.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15.  All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea who Mauve is.

16.  If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing’, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

17.  If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

18.  Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, sports, or cars.

19.  You have enough clothes.

20.  You have too many shoes.

21.  I am in shape. Round is a shape.

22.  Football and rugby are religions and should not be interrupted or trivialised.

Let the stones start raining down now.