Confessions: Could he be responsible for our house help’s pregnancy?

I have been married for 14 years but now I am faced with a possible reality I may not know how to handle. There are rumours that my house help is pregnant and it is worrying because my close neighbour thinks my husband is responsible.

I have asked her if I can take her for a test but she says I cannot force her to take one and that she would rather quit than take a test against her will. I told him about the pregnancy suspicions and he pretended not to care saying that she talks to many men around the estate – he does not seem bothered. Her attitude towards me has changed. She is now starting to hesitate when I ask her to do something. However, when I ask her to do something for him, she does it to perfection.

I really don’t know how to address this issue. I want to get to the bottom of it. Please advise me.

{Anne}

Simon says:

They say there’s always a degree of truth to every rumour and if your neighbour suspects that she is pregnant and your husband is responsible there is a possibility that it’s true. However, be aware that zero is also a number so could be the degree of truth in this. Indeed, you should not force an employee to take a test against her wishes and more so in your presence as they also have a right to privacy. But despite their right to privacy, a pregnancy cannot be kept hidden for very long and, as such, it will eventually show and she will not need to take any test for you to have your answer.

I suspect that she is expectant because if she weren’t, the test would not be a big deal. However, if your neighbours’ (and now yours) suspicions are true, she and your husband could be working out a way of sorting this out, probably using unorthodox methods. No man would want to bear a child with his wife’s house help and as such, they may be working out a way of dealing with it. That said, I see two possible outcomes if she is indeed expectant; The first, if she carries it to term, she will at some point have to move out of your house (something he would be looking forward to if he has something to do with it), and the second, that for her to remain there, something has to give. Either way, it is going to be a win for you but be in the know that, with those suspicions, you will never have peace for as long as she remains in your house.

That therefore calls for an exit strategy for her to give you peace of mind. Be sure to go about it ethically and legally. You should also be patient and careful when picking the next one. There is the likelihood that you will find yourself in this same position even with a new employee so you also need to do some self-evaluation. How did you and your husband contribute to this unfortunate situation? You need to clearly reflect on this and identify what you need to do differently next time. However, through all this, bear in mind that those could just be rumours but in a few months you will have all the answers you will need.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

There are two issues here. One, assuming the rumours are false, you have a househelp who is expectant at the moment and this is affecting her job performance. This is not a strange occurrence considering the hormonal dynamics that take place during pregnancy.

Depending on the stage of pregnancy that she is in, we know the first trimester is always challenging for most women. You could choose to wait and see if there could be an improvement after the first trimester. In addition, you are in a position to assess how bad her performance has become and after a discussion with her and the performance doesn’t improve, you are free to relieve her of her duties. Forcing her to take a test would be overstepping legal boundaries.

Secondly, about your husband being responsible for the girl’s pregnancy, this is something you have heard from neighbours. I do not know the kind of neighbours you have but some are known to be malicious. People with information about everybody else in the neighbourhood should not be taken seriously.

Unless you have other grounds to base your suspicion, I do not think it will be prudent to take any drastic measures just yet. To reduce your worries, start by replacing your househelp on the basis of her performance and change of attitude towards you. If there is some form of resistance, then it would be an indicator that there could be something more that you need to unravel. It would not take long to dig out the truth.

Beware of gossip from nosy neighbours. They are part of society. There are people given to falsehood and can create juicy stories to appear informed to itchy ears or simply to destabilise you and your family because of jealousy. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology