I want to imagine that nothing compares to the pain of losing a loved one. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around how a mother feels after carrying life inside her for nine months then loses it minutes after delivery.
For Debbie, she realized she was pregnant when she was only 21 and in 3rd year in campus. Despite her not being prepared, she embraced the motherhood journey and learnt to love the little life inside of her. All went well for the nine months and she was more than excited to hold her newborn. But things went haywire in the delivery room and she lost her angel.
Three years down the line, Debbie still remembers the occurrences of that fateful day. She took to her Facebook account to recount the moments that led to the loss of her baby as she wished her a happy birthday in heaven.
Her post read:
Nostalgia is what they call it.
Allow me to journey down the memory lane.
Could be a long post alert.Maybe Maybe not.
There's that immense joy that comes with learning that you carrying a life inside of you.Truth be told I wasn't ready to become a mum when I learnt that I was pregnant.Yes.I'd always dreamt of having a family of my own some day but atleast not at 21.Here I was in 3rd year shock on me.
Either way I kept my baby and as time passed I loved my growing belly by the day.The baby kicks first felt like tickles in my tummy????.
Fast forward...I was set to deliver on 22nd of March 2015 which was on a sunday.I couldn't wait to carry my baby in my arms.You should have seen the shopping I did and how the extra clean the house was..ready for my new baby.On monday 23rd March I had the onset of labour and made my way to the hospital.
On arrival the mild contractions were on and off.So on Tuesday at around 9am I was induced.The pain that came with that was no joke.By the time it was 6pm I had danced to all tunes I knew in my head.Still my water hadn't broken.All this while the nurses kept checking on the foetal heart rate and all was good.They raptured my membranes artificially and took me back to the labour room.
Going to 10 I made my way to the delivery room I just couldn't take the pain anymore.Immediately they checked me they informed me there was an emergency and I had to go to the theatre immediately.
Cord Prolapse they called it.In lay man's term after my membranes were raptured my baby's cord came out first.I remember being wheeled into the theatre and I was screaming to God telling He could not take my baby the last minute.It is all I kept saying.I pleaded with Him.
An epidural was done and half of me was numb..my eyes were wide awake then.When my baby came out she cried twice I remember.I knew all was well..I thanked God for my miracle she was such a beautiful being.There was that happiness that came with knowing this is my own flesh and blood.As the doctors were doing their thing my baby went mute all of a sudden.Did I mention it was a girl.
She was put on oxygen and no response.The doctor was finishing up my stitches.Again,I started screaming to God.I told him if He was taking my baby he could as well take me with her.There was no point of living anymore.Why would He allow me to carry a child only for Him to take her immediately she came in this world.I was done.I just wanted to die.I mean a part of me was gone.
I was wheeled back to the ward.I asked them not to put where where other mothers had delivered because all womenI delivered with had their babies.I was put in a seperate room but when I heard babies cry it was torture.
There I was asking God lots of questions.None were being answered.God is to be praised in all situations so how was I to lift my hands and start thanking Him for what he was doing in my life?
I remember counsellors talking to me & priests all i did was cry.Whenever family and friends came I would talk and immediately they left I'd start to cry.At some point I couldn't understand myself anymore I was losing it.
Then people come with their 'comforting' words."Usijali huyo hakuwa wako." "Thank God ilifanyika pengine angeishi angekusumbua." How do you get the guts to tell that to a grieving mother.It is not comforting at all.I wondered if the people saying this even had a heart.
At this point I was done with God.I never acknowledged He exsisted anymore never went to church never prayed I was just DONE...but hey,there's always a turn around to every story.
Time is a healer but maybe this healing could take a lifetime.Infant loss is real and just because they are babies it doesn't mean losing them feels way less than that of a mature being.You cannot categorize the loss of a loved.
Weird as it may sound..Happy 3rd Birthday in heaven.