He wants more sex even when I’m in pain

Dear Eve,

I am 19 years old and I have a boyfriend who is a sex addict. I cannot satisfy him because every time we have sex, I feel pain. After sex, my stomach aches a lot and I also feel pain when urinating. I also feel the urge to urinate a lot after sex. Sometimes, especially at night, I even end up urinating on myself because I cannot go to the toilet at night. I am tired. I don’t know what to do because he said he cannot stay in a relationship without sex. I love him and he only knows about the pain. Please help me.

Answer 

Dear reader, thank you for writing me about your current challenges. I am concerned with what you are describing on several different levels. On one hand, I wonder if this is a case of mismatched sex drives. On the other hand, I am concerned that you are (feeling) coerced into a sexual relationship with your partner, where you must endure frequent or prolonged sex or else risk losing him. Further, I am concerned about your physical and sexual health; the pain after sex, the inability to go to the toilet to the extent of wetting yourself and the general sense of helplessness.

Then there is your own assessment of your partner as being a sex addict, which would be rather serious unless you are both willing and able to understand what that means and how to go about being in a relationship with an addict of any kind without enabling that behaviour. Before addressing the possible causes of what could be happening to you, let me advise you to see a doctor in case you experience incontinence (inability to hold your urine until an appropriate time when you can empty your bladder) as you go about your daily business.

Furthermore, I strongly suggest that you find a mental health professional near you so you can have a chance to look at this from a holistic perspective, that is look at it all around instead of looking at it as simply a sex issue, because I doubt that it is. If you’re in Nairobi, please email me and I will be happy to make an appointment for you to come and see me, or refer you to an appropriate professional. For now, I would like to address the possible causes of your pain after having sex.

You don’t tell me how long you have been having sex, or whether this partner is your first partner. However, at 19 years old, it is possible that you don’t have a lot of sexual experience. By this I mean that you may still be learning your body, how it responds to sex and more importantly, what works for you, what doesn’t, what hurts and what doesn’t. I suggest that you start to make a mental note of what your partner does that feels good to you. This means figuring out which positions hurt and which ones are more comfortable or even enjoyable. My suggestion is always to begin with the missionary position i.e. flat on your back. You might find it easier to begin in this position and then shift into other positions.

Another reason for your pain could be the intensity of the sexual activity itself. If your partner is larger than your vaginal canal can comfortably accommodate, if he is particularly rough or intense, if both of you engage in rather vigorous sexual activity or if your preferred sexual positions are those that allow deeper penetration, for instance, legs on his shoulders, then he could be hitting your cervix with each thrust and this can be rather painful! Depending on what you suspect it could be, I suggest that you begin with gentler positions before moving into more intense positions.

Finally, I suspect that you don’t lubricate well enough. Either you don’t engage in enough foreplay prior to having sex so you’re not well lubricated prior to beginning your sexual activity, or you have sex for such a prolonged period of time that your natural vaginal lubrication dries out. Whatever the case, I suggest that you get a good vaginal lubricant from your local chemist so help you suffer less friction during sex.

I hope that these suggestions trigger an insight for you showing you where to begin. Remember, you deserve to have painless, enjoyable sex, which is what I wish for you moving forward.

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy and practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Maggie can be reached at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu