If you are not 6'5 tall, let's get a few things straight!

I have read several articles about what it means to be a man. The pieces were written by women. There were a few lines about being nice to children and hairy dogs, but those were just tossed in to camouflage the rest of the anti-male propaganda.

What those articles really describe is a chivalrous manservant. If that kind of guy were real, women would never read romance novels, which is what 76 per cent of my female friends do.

But here’s something to throw you right in the realm of manhood, and remind you that payday comes with the pain of getting carried away: Your Valentine’s Day excuse should be solid by now.

Men are not dishonest about everything, just the stuff that matters, like how Valentine’s on a Tuesday is not a weekend at all, and you may need a few days, and your pocket may be on the cliff... But since it is never that believable, you need an excuse. Don’t call it a lie, that’s too insensitive, heavy, harsh, unfair and just not cool.

There is no clarity about how February 14 switched from being a fertility celebration to anything romantic, but my guess is good as yours: Geoffrey Chaucer (the man history says changed February 14 to a day of love), was a rich man with a solid record of disappointing his woman. He then chose a date in mid-February, where every other bloke is gaunt-broke, to show his woman he had some love left.

I suspect he pulled some next-level-new-lover stunt, that was too good to go unnoticed, and that’s why February 14 became such a date.

While there is a lot of bitterness in the debate among women about whether it’s better to stay home with your spouse and family or go out and do something great, there is little argument about the number of men who fall right into problems for trying to run away from Valentines with the weakest of excuses.

The only men who get away with it are men who are 6’ 5” and taller; Natural selection has a way of punishing short dudes, which is why they are always so angry. The further away they are from the magic number, the harder they must live to compensate.

While it can take a man three years into a lie to realise he was way off the mark, your woman will smell it from how you knock the door. She will decipher it by the time you’re done with your laces and the argument about it will be won before you take the sofa. And girls aren’t made of sugar, spice, and everything nice: You will learn that when a Valentines excuse flunks.

So to make an excuse believable, you need to run it through a host of vetting professionals. At work, talk to your female colleague about something a non-existent friend did years ago during Valentine’s. Here, you are avoiding office gossip which spreads faster than Ebola, and taking away the emotional attachment. While it may take a while before you get what you want, wait until the lady will take the ‘If I were him’ tone... Therein lies your improvement.

After listening, do not share this idea with your friends. Men copy fast, and the chances your women know each other are as sure as how you will all get caught. Every man for himself until 15th. Practise it in front of bathroom mirror at work. Your facial expressions, eye contact and body language can only be improved by yourself.

Good thing, there is a whole two and a half weeks to improve your excuse rating. That was only for those who need excuses on Valentine’s, for the rest of us, where can I get a proper Valentine’s coupon this early? ‘Buy two get one free’ never killed anyone.

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Tony Mochama resumes next week.