So she sits looks at herself in the mirror,’ why am I like this?’ she asks. But no answer comes her way.
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She’s 20 and all she can feel is sadness well, at this moment that is. As an introvert, no one really bothers when she goes off the grid. Everyone thinks it’s normal, until that one time when she thought of death and how hers would happen or rather should happen.
Then it hit her: She’s sick; she doesn’t want to die but during one of her “episodes”, she thought about it. Then she started seeing the signs, the mood swings, not wanting to talk to anyone sometimes for weeks at a time.
Giving herself “breaks” as she likes to call them only, she didn’t need them, she wasn’t tired or exhausted no, she was sad and she couldn’t figure out why.
It just happened that she was tired of faking the smile so instead she locked herself in her room and slept the days away.
“Depression is this white man’s condition. Black people don’t get depression” is the impression she gets from society. Who can she tell about her feelings the fear of judgment and rejection is just too strong. So she keeps quiet waiting for the day it will all stop and she can be normal again or when it all becomes too much and she ends it.
All she wants is someone to notice the tears and sadness behind her brightest smile. But there is light at the end of the tunnel- she can see it, she can smell the fresh air; the voices in her head clearing and finally she looks up unto the sky and feels the sun on her face then she knows it’s okay everything will be okay.
So she lives every day as it comes hoping one day she will have enough money to see a psychiatrist and then finally things will be okay.
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