Men you need to meet, not marry
By By ROSE KWAMBOKA | October 5th 2013
By ROSE KWAMBOKA
“You make me want to be a better man just for you.” This was among the lines Nick proclaimed in lieu for his undying love for Mary. They should have ticked suspicion in their fast-paced relationship but did not. Almost seven months into the relationship, they had moved in together and were expecting a child. Nick’s involvement in the baby’s name, shopping and taking care of the mother to-be was commendable. During this period, she had seen a completely different side of him from what his friends knew and had out rightly expressed to her. He had stopped drinking, smoking, partying and late night booty calls; and one night stands had become a thing of the past. He was always home early.
“You changed me for the better,” he had once told her. Of course, she was happy and felt a sense of achievement and accomplishment that she would make a man feel the need to settle down. Then one day he came home late, and drank. From then on, there was no looking back. His excuse was that he had gotten what he wanted; a wife and kids, and did not feel challenged in the relationship. After all, he was fending for his family. Mary, unfortunately, never knew that Nick was on a mission — he is no committer who committed just for her.
Many women have fallen prey to such men who suddenly discover their fatherly and spousal prowess after meeting you. Jane’s relationship reads of the same script, only that she noticed the signs early. When she started taking time off to take care of her ailing mother, things became uninteresting in her relationship and slowly but surely the once committed guy became missing in action. His mission was being ambushed and he needed a way out as soon as possible. Her friends had advised her, “If you ever met such a guy, take to your heels and do not look back.”
Such kind of guys are fun initially and always have a mission to accomplish. Once they do it, other things become null and void. Woe unto you if you are the woman he targets. Let’s sample them:
The party animal
‘Drinking buddy’ is George’s contact name as saved on Sandra’s phonebook. He is the ultimate perfect party friend, or so says Sandra. He is the kind that is willing to pick you up and drop you home as long as the event calls for drinks, music and dancing. Anything else pertaining to funerals, meetings, planning committees and you can count him out. “In fact, he is so detached from other things that I would not think of calling him for financial instance,” says Sandra.
Barely a month after Carol’s road accident, her three-year relationship came to an unexpected end. Her then boyfriend, James, had started complaining that she was no longer as outgoing, and as a result was losing the fun part in her. Never mind that during the two-week period she was hospitalised, he only visited her once. In addition, he found himself going out alone while initially she would tag along. They had been the envy of most as they made impressions of the best couple in town who did everything together. Carol, however, found out that he was there as long as there were parties. She was lucky he left before she could bind herself.
Pretty boy without a brain
While one James was complaining of not going out often enough, Tony felt that his relationship did not have enough activity. His girlfriend, whom he had dated for two months agreed with the allegation, but with a reason, “I learnt from my previous relationship that you just do not go parading your pretty boyfriend to your friends.” I wondered why the contrary would not work to her advantage, as all her friends would envy her. As if reading my mind, she answered, “I feel uncomfortable when I introduce him to my friends as they become all touchy in the excuse of appreciating God’s creation.
What’s even more annoying is that he kind of leads them on; all he does is smile as if he does not realise someone is preying on him. And before I know it, he will be on to the next pretty thing. To add salt to injury, he knows that his looks are his best asset and uses them to cover up for his dumbness.” Her childhood friend, however, was of the idea that you can put a man on a leech for so long. “If he wants to leave, nothing you do will make him stay,” she alludes. She is, however, adamant to tell this to her friend lest she be grouped with her other preying friends who are jealous and after her man. In her opinion, such guys are only for the purpose of getting designer babies — those with good looking genes from the father.
The egocentric successful chauvinist
Anne, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why her friends expect her to foot all bills — she has a rich boyfriend. She also wonders why her boyfriend does not mind spending money on them. “I am left wondering whether he is dating me or my friends,” a concerned Anne says. “At times, he bellows commands expecting me to follow them without question. He has a super inflated ego and to him, communication is when he speaks and I obey. He is sort of a Kenyan Christian Grey, only more demanding and infuriating.”
When I try to find out why she would not leave him, she says that she wants to maintain a high lifestyle, which she cannot do without a job, which he made her quit. What’s worse, she cannot change him as that is how he treats his friends as well.
The governor who never runs for chair
Meet Kitana, popularly known as councillor in his neighbourhood due to the fact that he knows and is known by everyone there, and to some extent, has juicy incriminating gossip about each household. The only problem is that the neighbours do not know he holds such information, which in itself, is not completely accurate. His last girlfriend complained that by the time they get to the bus stop, a five-minute walk, the walk takes more than 20 minutes. This is because he is constantly in a meet and greet session. When not on the road, he is on his phone chatting away on Whatsup, Twitter, Facebook and other social media networks. “While he might be doing this with good intentions, chances are he is constantly distracted, or will not give you the attention you deserve, a key element in relationships, says a marriage counselor. “Such a guy can only benefit you as a social friend; to get you to pubs since he knows the bouncers, get you served fast since he knows the waiters, or have your best song played in the club because he knows the DJ, nothing more. He is the wrong guy for a long-term relationship,” concludes Magdalene, his ex-girlfriend.
The guy born to make you happy
He is always the perfect guy; a true listener, caring, problem solver, but never has problems of his own. Even when you can openly see or instinctively tell that he is suffering, chances are he will never admit to it. Ask Liz and she will tell you how insensitive she felt for pouring out her problems to him, while he had worse issues. He was at the verge of being declared bankrupt, but he listened to how unfair the boss was towards his girlfriend even giving her advice that she should quit and he would support her till she gets another job. That was until she accidentally found documents that shed light on his imminent bankruptcy.
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