Don't embarrass your spouse

Baraza la wazee (traditional court) served as a very important institution in the old African society, way before governments. These informal courts helped resolve disputes and misunderstandings between people, including marital problems.

To date we still respect and cherish this tradition. Although the police and judiciary have rendered the barazas almost toothless, they still survive to arbitrate family differences.

The barazas have also evolved from village to family elders. They help cover the family’s closets of skeletons as well as help with the bonding, which is essential given our African social nature, especially in matters of weddings, funerals and other occasions.

Though the barazas play an important role, there are certain issues in modern day Kenya that should never be taken to the wazees.

Don’t get me wrong. We all need guidance from our parents and elderly relatives now and then on certain issues, but we must spare them our sexual history, or lack of it.

I have heard ‘horror’ stories of couples washing their dirty linen in front of their elders. One man complained of how his wife was starving him in the bedroom only for the woman to respond with details of how he had infected her with sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) three times.

Another case almost degenerated to a fistfight when a woman claimed her husband constantly raped her, claims that were rebuffed by her in-laws who said there was nothing like rape in marriage. Her family, on the other hand, insisted their daughter had the right to say no to sex and not be brutally beaten and violated just because her husband was in the mood.

Another man was so embarrassed when his wife revealed that he puts on women’s underwear, while in another case a husband claimed the wife didn’t wear underwear and he feared she would one day fall down and expose herself to the whole world.

Baby’s food

In another case, a woman told a baraza la wazee that her husband kept playing with the baby’s food — she was breast-feeding at the time.

I would like to urge couples to seek such help from professionals who have been trained to handle such matters, especially those of a sexual nature. We have to guard our spouses from too much embarrassing exposure because at the end of the day, the two of you will still continue to live under one roof.

Once certain ‘secret’ or sensitive matters are revealed to the public, the experience can haunt the couple for the rest of their lives. It is worse when such matters are announced in front of the family. When these floodgates are opened, the relationship will degenerate as each spouse will want to shame the other more and will fight to outdo each other.

There is nothing more embarrassing than for your mother, father, aunts, uncles, in-laws and close family friends to learn of your weird sexual fetishes or how long or short your husband’s manhood is. Such intimate details should never be shared and should be locked in the bedroom.