The art of apology

By Tricia WanjalaDeborah Tannen, sociolinguist, wrote in one of her anthologies: "Apologies are powerful. They resolve conflicts without violence, repair schisms between nations, allow governments to acknowledge the suffering of their citizens, and restore equilibrium to personal relationships." But is it always necessary to apologise?Some people believe that only cowards apologise and that the art of apology is a sign of weakness. Others believe that what is done is done, and an apology makes no difference in repairing the damage.Admit your mistakesTruth is, admitting one's mistakes and working to allay the damage they have caused is essential in building successful personal relationships. Failure to apologise can have dire consequences. Jeanette, a woman whose husband had never apologised for cheating on her, used the term "emotionally divorced" to explain how she had resolved her hurt and agreed to stay in their union. "I simply cut off my feelings of attachment to him. So now I am at peace: I no longer feel anger towards him, nor do I feel any love or passion. It works for me because I have been able to move on with my life while living cordially with him." Hardly an ideal situation, but the point is clear. After repeatedly being hurt by a callous, unrepentant spouse, you could resolve to accept and live with the situation, but at a price. Cutting off feelings of attachment to a spouse turns it into an alliance of convenience, not of love. This happens a lot. However, some couples disagree because of pride and separate permanently, when deep down they actually love each other very much. Both parties end up losing due to a lack of humility that could have led to an apology.ReconciliationThe following principles generally work both ways, although they are addressed primarily to the male party.Listen. It may be very difficult to listen to a girlfriend or wife who is ranting and raving, or worse, giving you the cold shoulder, but it is essential in order to get to the root of the problem and solve it.John Gray, in his famous book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, explains that "In order to listen to her without getting angry, remember that anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault. By listening to her feelings, even when you don't understand them, you are validating them and being a good listener, and this helps." The fact that you stick around and show that you are willing to listen and solve the issue can make your patner to soften and open up.Breathe deeply and don't say anything. Tempting, as it may be to get defensive, angry, or to retaliate under the volley of accusing words, try to maintain self-control until she is finished speaking.Do not raise your voice or cut her off. If you feel you cannot take it any more, take a 'time out’, and leave the room for a while. You may have to count to 10, or if that doesn't work, channel your aggressive energies into a more constructive task, such as going for a brisk walk or a run.Come back when you have cooled off. It is important to exit before the argument spirals out of control and unravels into blanket condemnations and character attacks like "you're so selfish and pathetic. You always... you never..." Such words can poison a relationship and cause lasting damage. In the same vein, avoid bringing up the past. It seldom does any good.Reach out. Touch her (or him.) By gently putting your hand on her arm in a reassuring manner, you are in effect saying that you care and you are not going anywhere. This expression of confidence shows that you are committed to solving the problem and that the two of you will make it. As such, it is a simple gesture of trust that goes a long way to diffuse built-up tension.

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