Financial dependence does not equal submission

Stories abound about women sticking to abusive marriages or relationships because they are financially incapacitated.

The man is the economic muscle and the woman totally depends on him for her very breath. Recently, a woman who has been married for 30 years, was kicked out after her last born daughter posted a C-plus score in the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education exams.

"He said our daughter had 'failed' and violently ordered us to leave our Nairobi home for the village to go and farm.

That we were better off sending him and two other children food from the village than 'wasting' his money in school fees and food," the distraught mother said.

Being penniless, she had nowhere else to go. So she headed to the village where she has never lived since she got married. The couple does not even have a hut there and when they visited or attended funerals, they were hosted by a brother-in-law.

Weighed down by her helplessness, the woman went home to start life from scratch – make friends, build a house, farm, the lot.

You get to hear of such sorry stories not for you to "feel woiye" for the affected, but to learn how to evade such traps. Men love it when their women are financially helpless because they like the power this gives them; the right to control the woman in their life.

Unfortunately, I have seen the same control even among women who are supposedly empowered; who have gone to school and have well-paying jobs. They run joint accounts with their husbands and cannot even spend a cent without accounting for it.

In other words, this is financial slavery and women, in their wisdom, have to a large extent, allowed this. For example, one of such women was a member of a chama and every time it was her turn to receive money, her husband was at hand to receive on her behalf. Then he plans for the money. The woman has no say and yet when she is contributing, he does not chip in.

Looking at it another way, if the woman who went to village with her daughter had her own financial plan independent of her husband, she would not have gone home to try uncharted waters.

There are people who start businesses with even Sh500 and grow their investment gradually. Therefore, she would have moved to an affordable housing and start getting her feet off the ground.

The most important thing for all women is that they should build a financial nest. This is cultural. It is also biblical. In the traditional African society, a woman took care of feeding the family and she had to find a way of doing this, not waiting upon the husband to provide. If he came home with bacon (game), it was a bonus. In the Bible, there are chapters that praise a hard working woman who takes care of her family.

Notably, although men like being the family's financial giants, they detest being asked for money to buy items they consider minute such as tomatoes, children's clothes and money for the salon.

Build your nest whether working as an executive or selling sukuma wiki. Put aside money every month and get investment clubs either at work or in the estate and join. Ensure you invest in your name; at least in properties that you purchase without his support. Many women believe when they invite their men to invest with them, it is a sign of being submissive.

The man is not a god, like changing weather, one day, he can decide and walk away from you and the children. At that point, will you have the financial energy to provide for your children and secure your retirement?

If you doubt it, open your eyes and see how relationships are collapsing like a house of cards. In most cases, the woman ends up being the loser. Wake up and smell the coffee now before it is too late.