You plan to cheat this festive season? Here’s a foolproof guide!

The festive period is a particularly tricky time for most men, especially the ones who are not selfish with their emotions. The headache is not the money, because smart men have various sources of money that they do not divulge to their side dishes or wives.

Yes, if you are a man and all your sources of revenue are known to your significant other, you are a fool! Ever heard of the phrase that men are like Somali swords, they cut both ways, so you must always maintain some mystery about your revenue streams.

Just when your spouse thinks you are as broke as a church mouse that is the time to spring up a surprise. Truly, if these women have you all figured out ‘Ole wako’ you will end up like Ole Lenku!

So back to the sharp men. Since these men operate one or two clandes besides the ‘legal entity’, when it comes to the festive season, everyone expects that they are the main attraction and therefore they fully expect to accompany the man to that exotic holiday in Lamu.

Courting fire

This is where the problem that money cannot solve comes in. What will a brother do to escape his wife without courting fire in his backyard and still keep his two mistresses happy?

If you switch off your phone, even if you have a couple of handsets that you have managed to persuade the memsahib are critical for your bread winning activities, what will you tell that clande?

Just imagine the conversation come January. “You switched off the phone so that you entertain your prostitutes and leave me?”

The man will try to come up with innovative stories of how his phone was hanging and he took it to the fundi.

Worse problems

“So you do not have my telephone number in your memory?” Then she continues, “Do you even remember my second name?”

This is usually followed by a burst of tears that looks like it is coming from a well-oiled sprinkler.

If you think this festive season is all about being merry, think again, there are a number of men who have worse problems and money is not one of them. If the man decides, as society expects, to hang around his wife he must have the coolness of a homicide investigator when making calls to the clande.

Your voice must not give the slightest of hints that you could be speaking to another female. Remember these calls must strictly remain business calls, otherwise how do you explain why you have to keep excusing yourself to walk nearly the length of two football pitches to make the call.

In addition, you must have a perfect alibi as to why you are suddenly so busy with business calls when the rest of the country has shut down for the festive period.

As you do this, you must also ensure that you do not appear absent minded in the presence of memsahib; these women can be mind-readers at times.

If you give a woman a chance to second guess you, chances are that you will be asked a series of questions this week and the same questions will be unleashed next week, of course in entirely different phraseology. Boy, if your answers are not the same, she may resort to a private eye.

Cool gentlemen, play it cool this festive season because you must not break the cardinal rule: Do not be caught!