The kind of woman every man desires

PUNCHLINE: Have you ever wondered what hurts most?...Saying something and wishing you had not…or saying nothing and wishing you had?

We’ve all seen her. That woman who makes every man go weak at his knees. Not just a beautiful hot damsel from Hostel Koinange, she’s real. She’s beautiful when she is coming. And she’s even hotter when she’s leaving. You can be hot without being beautiful, but you cannot be beautiful without being hot.

It starts with her principles. She really does have morals, and she follows them. Like she can never con someone, or sausage-fungaa poor Shakespeare descendant like me. So because she’d be annoyed if her man in Hostel Majengo looked at a potential Vera Sidika, she doesn’t look at other Chinedu Okekes. And she keeps her promises: both big, “I’ll exile your roomie today”, and small, “I’ll buy today’s rubber.” No matter what.

Ruthless professional, both with beauty and brains, a rare combination, she’s somehow courteous to all. She’s gracious, charming, well dressed and very intimidating. Forget what they say in Hostel Juju, if she’s amazing she won’t be easy. If she’s easy she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worth it…truth is one man’s beautiful wife is another man’s witchdoctor.

She’s independent. You will never see her in Hostel Huruma, which boasts of a posho mill and butchery, begging for food because she has been exiled. She did Engineering 101 and does not need a Nigerian to untrip her lights. She does not accept cheap gifts from Mabs, neither does she take a penny from any photocopy machine. She is original, and does not need a man to tell her she is beautiful for her to feel so. Her motto, pretty women are not free; and free women are not pretty.

She makes deep intense eye contact. And she rarely laughs. Blush??Not even if you were me! If she’s pleased, you’ll only see the smallest of smiles. If she’s displeased with you, which is often, you feel the urgent need to put things right. She’s often silent, never indulges in idle chatter, **gossip for the literary handicapped**, and her sentences are short and direct. Her voice is warm and firm. She doesn’t nag, but she accepts no bullshit, and she gives no bullshit. She isn’t in the shit business. As my protégé Prince Marvin would put it, she’s not proud. She’s only aware of her greatness.

She cooks. Yes she does. Am not talking about boiling eggs in Hostel Eduardo or buying fries in Soweto, am talking about real food. Food that makes Hostel Hakumatt hawkers thank God for the gal them. Her nails are always pedicured with manicure, but her food makes the worms in your stomach smile in anticipation- both cooked, and raw- ...if you know what I mean. **Wink**

Her body language draws you to follow her lead, like a lamb being led to the slaughter, like a fly following the light…like a fresher heading to my room. She never loses her focus, and she’s perfectly willing to draw attention to herself or make a scene if she needs to.

It’s that genuine blend of hard and soft that draws men to her. Her integrity, purpose, dignity and drive. Her courtesy and strength. Her confidence, self-assurance and principles. You can quote her, disagree with her, glorify or vilify her, love her or hate her-there is no middle ground-, but the only thing you cannot do is ignore her, for she is the epitaph of resilience, the colossus of charisma, the enigma of humility and the epitome of womanhood.

Other women can only stand and stare.