This week on confessions: How do I walk out of this abusive marriage?

I have been married for nine years and have been blessed with a son. However, my husband has never gone to my parents and only visits home when there is a function.

Since I am jobless, he has always taken advantage, often beating and insulting me at will. For two years, I have been in a relationship with another man who wants to marry me as a second wife.

He has made arrangements to meet my family and pay dowry and he even has identified a house he wants to buy for me.

He really loves me and he is the one I want to be with as my life has been hell. He has accepted my son and I think he is serious about marrying me. My parents don’t have a problem and have accepted to meet him. Please advise me on what to do

Counseller’s take

Waceke, you are treading a very thin line and this has potential to explode into something that can either work miracles for you or leave you so stranded and desperate that the life you are living now will seem like a vacation in Mauritius. It is important to understand what is really going on here starting with his perceptions about this then considering yours.

First, have you ascertained why he is interested in taking you as a second wife? It is generally unlikely that a man would consider taking a second wife who has a child with another man. Does he have children in the other marriage?

Is he willing to face the imminent risks he will be exposed to when your current husband finds out about this? For a man, the place that hurts most is “their women”. I am not pre-empting anything but if simple extra-marital affairs have gotten people killed, can you imagine what potential this would have?

Then on your side, have you considered what it will mean to go into a new family as a second wife with a son from another marriage? It is already difficult for a young girl to be married as a second wife so this uncomfortable situation is only bound to escalate.

Unless he does not have any children and this is what he is seeking in you then your position in the new family will always be challenged. This is even on the basis that you left another man to get married to their son, what guarantees do they have that you will not do the same to their son?

You ought to carefully consider this because by leaving your current marriage, you will effectively be losing something that is equivalent to a “birth-right”. Being a second wife is not as easy as people portray it to be. In addition, sometimes we jump from the frying pan and straight into the fire; do you have a fall-back plan in the event things go wrong?

Remember when dowry is paid, it will no longer be about you but a clan issue. This means that you will not have the privilege of walking away from the marriage as and when you want.

This is indeed a big risk you are taking and these often have higher returns but they also have potential to destroy and leave you many times worse off. Lastly, the current marriage you are in is recognised by law as a marriage so it can be easily challenged so beware.{Taurus}