I’m 32, a mother of three girls and have been married for nine years. We were a happy family until last year when I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a young woman in our estate. We fought about it and he assured me that it was over. She disappeared for a while and now she is back with a baby boy and this has driven him crazy. He spends all his time at her place only to come home past 11pm. She has told me to my face that my time with him is almost over because I failed to give him what he wanted the most. She said that it is only a matter of time and I think she is right. I think I’m losing the man I love and I don’t know what I can do to keep him. I don’t mind him supporting them, but I just hope that we can remain his first priority. Please advice.
Doris, the misconception in the African family set up is that a man must have a boy child to ensure continuity of his lineage. Engage him in an open talk and let him know that you still love him and you are ready to accommodate the new development.
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?Doris, you have to let him go. If he comes back, then he was meant
to be yours. Always remember that time is a healer. Move on with your life and your children and with time you will be happy.
?Doris, it is not your fault that you have not given him boys. Discuss your fears with a son openly and tell him know that you can still try for another child and that probably he will be a boy. Focus on
your life and remain happy. Many women would have wished to have those children without looking at the gender. Do not quarrel or ignore him — he will soon realise marriage is not just about children.
?If you play smart, you will not lose him. Extend an olive branch to him because it is evident that he wanted a baby boy. Accept, change your tactics, and ask for forgiveness.
?His actions are only too clear and he has even gone ahead to instruct this other woman to tell you so. You better stop daydreaming about you being his first priority and move on since you will only be subjecting yourself to mental and emotional anguish.
?Men don’t always forget their children as women think; whether a girl or a boy. Statements from that woman are meant to hurt you and they might not be true. Accepting her as your co-wife is the only way out. Encourage your man to take her in as his second wife.?Remain the good wife you have been to him.
Doris, this is common with men. It is the desire of most, if not all men, to have a son or sons who will carry on his name to future generations. What happens with most men is that although they appear to be comfortable to have daughters only, inside they deeply long to have a son. This is what is manifesting itself in the unfolding situation.
At present, he appears to have settled with her, especially after she gave him a son. She, on the other side, is feeling good about this fact, but she is not playing fair — you don’t expect her to anyway. What you need to do is to leave her out of your life and concentrate on keeping your husband; this starts with accepting that little boy because he is now a reality. Show him that you have no problem with him and do not make things difficult for him at home. If you do, on the contrary, you will push him away from you and into her hands.
The focus should be on retaining at least half his affection and keeping him around because the truth is that he has other children to take care of. Give him time and make the environment at home conducive and desirable to him, so that even if he has a strong affection for the other family, he will always find something good in your family. And with time, he will respect you as his first wife and your family, as the first family.