Raising successful children

Although parenting styles vary, every parent’s desire is to raise responsible and successful children. GARDY CHACHA looks at what it takes to achieve this

Parenting tips are a dime a dozen. Imagine visiting a nursing friend and the baby starts crying. You get up to pick the cooing little one and your friend says, “don’t pick her up, you’ll spoil her.” You think it’s appalling that she would leave the baby to cry, but it’s her understanding of good parenting.

Francis and Francisca Oginga with their daughter Michelle.

Others will make a big deal out of seeing a parent spank their child in order to instill discipline. 

Parenting is such an important task in life though many never realise the jest in it. Your child’s future and that of generations to come depend a lot on the skills you employ in parenting. As a parent or a guardian, you want your child to prosper, to be successful and to be recognised in their prime days.

Have you ever sat and thought how they would get there?

In a bid to raise a disciplined child, a parent might create a harsh system of controls and punishments. But what would be the effect of this on your child’s spirit, sense of self-worth, happiness or on his feelings towards others?

On the other hand, you can imagine a child whose every whim is indulged and every action, good or bad, is praised or allowed to pass uncorrected. Such a child might have a certain measure of happiness, but most people wouldn’t want to spend much time with them.

At the time we were growing up, we had our own perceptions of how our parents ought to have treated us. Today, roles have reversed and we can’t yet seem to grab the gist of what it means to be a parent. Books have been written for parents to read and TV programmes prepared to educate many on parenting, but all of it seems like theoretical hullabaloo. Sometimes it’s worthwhile getting the information from those who have had a successful shot at it.

Francis and Francisca Oginga have been married for more than 20 years.

Their first born daughter is about to graduate from Daystar University and their second born is some years away from graduating with a Bachelors in Medicine and Surgery. Their last two children are both in high school, well on their way to match the academic heights their older siblings have scaled.

 

Exemplary behaviour

All of them are poised to realise their dreams. They are a product of a careful, happy, but arduous process of parenting their mother and father adequately offered.

Francis quips that there is no definite formula to parenting, but there is a basic skeleton all successful parents must stick to.

“An easygoing, casual style of managing your children, letting them do or have anything they want, might result to an obnoxious, spoiled, rude child. Parents who are firm when necessary can get good results with either moderate strictness or moderate casualness.

“The essence is in what spirit you put into managing your child, and what attitude is instilled in the child as a result,” says Oginga.

Francisca points out that expecting good behaviour from children means parents need to lead by example so that children wouldn’t think what they are asked for is unattainable.

“Strictness is fine as long as the parents are kind and the children are growing up happy and friendly. It could be harmful when parents are overbearing, harsh and chronically disapproving, or when they make no allowances for a child’s age and individuality,” says Francisca.

These parents concur that severity can produce children who are either meek or mean-spirited.

Good parents raise children who are considerate and cooperative. Such parents might be satisfied with casual manners as long as the child’s attitude remains friendly.

Francis adduces that parents might not necessarily be strict about promptness or neatness, for example, but what’s key is that they’re not afraid to be firm about what is good or bad character.

Francisca adds that if parents are hesitant in questioning their children’s characters, it’s more because they are afraid of hurting them, are guilty about what they ask or are unconsciously letting the child rule the roost.

On the other hand, if parents could be firm and keen on instilling good behaviour, they would nip an unusual behaviour in the bud rather than wait for it to grow into a much bigger problem.

 

Embellished careers

On education and career, the two parents say that it is proper to guide your teenagers through the right path by first observing and analysing their performance in school and appreciating their preferences in extracurricular activities or even unique talents like music and art.

They caution other parents against rigidly driving their teenagers into pursuing embellished careers for the sheer status it brings to the family. This is because it might lead to a disgruntled professional, lacking in zest to perform in their profession, which translates to an unhappy life.

Father Learns, a Catholic priest who has served for 28 years and also teaches Theology at Kenyatta University, agrees with the Ogingas on many fronts. He says children need to be given direction with love and care.

He advises that parents should always treat children as children and not their equals, but adds that it is good to create a rapport with them. For instance, if your child does something you don’t approve, ask them questions like: What were you thinking when you did that?  Did you consider the consequences?  Was it worth it? Would you do it differently next time?

Father Learns also advises parents to assist, but not push their children in choosing a particular or specific career path. Through asking questions to know their interests, Learns says a parent empowers his/her children to manage their own lives and think out the right ways of developing acceptable character and lifestyles. 

Bottom line, children need to know that for them to enjoy success, they have to cultivate practical virtues and understand that every mistake they make will tether their pursuit to be individuals of repute.