Confessions: I paid her college fees, now she has left and won’t speak to me

I had dated this woman for four years then she left around September last year. We come from the same region and I had only known her for a few months when we moved in together. I paid her college fees and met all her needs. I even got her a job in a local bank then she left me claiming that I had not paid the bride price.

I went to her parents' home early this year and requested to start the process but they refused to engage in any such discussions with me. They did not give any reasons and she will not respond to any of my attempts to get in touch with her.

I am puzzled at this whole situation because there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship and we were just happy. Please help me understand what could be going on here?

{Martin K}

What the readers say:

Did you educate her on the agreement that you would marry her? Second, did you train her alone or with others who you were also considering as prospective wives? Third, was the course that you trained her for relevant to her career direction and did she ask you to train her? Lastly, how have you been trying to reach out to her? Ask for a face-to-face meeting with her and tell her to give you honest reasons as to why she has been evading you for the last few month.

{Dolly Olimba}

Everyone has communicated to you that you have lost her and I don't understand why you keep insisting that they allow you in. If you paid her fees, count it as a loss like you would lose in betting. She is gone and you better move on. You are wiser now. Move on man! You still have a lot of opportunities and they are better.

{Tasma Saka}

Sponsoring your wife/girlfriend to school was a good decision. You thought empowering her would brighten your future together. Unfortunately, now her family doesn't need you because they think you are not good enough for her. You have done your part, dust yourself off and move on.

{Dennish Ogal}

Sometimes, things might not work as per your expectations. I encourage you to forget this woman as the writing is on the wall. It is not news that you recently heard about a police officer who shot dead his girlfriend who he claimed to have educated through a loan only for her to say later that he was not of her class. Leave all this behind and move on.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

That woman must have had or have found a new lover or she was married before getting into a relationship with you. Your would-be in-laws are just buying time with you and this happens to many people. You may also approach elders on both sides to resolve the issue or you can forget about her and move on with your life. One day, your in-laws will regret their decision and look for you. Remember, never kill or despise your enemy but let him or her live to see your progress. Maybe you will meet Madam Right and your future will be brighter.

{Onyango Outha}

Simon says:

Martin, this situation seems to have emanated from the fact that when you met her 4 years ago, you may not have taken time to know her very well but instead rushed to move in with her. The risk when this happens is that you may get into a relationship often with the wrong person or with someone who has dozens of skeletons in their closet. These skeletons always have a way of emerging in due course and can cause damage. I underlined the key facts in your situation and they include: you barely knew her, took her to college, got her a job, 4 years down the line she leaves you alleging that you had not paid the bride price and her parents want nothing to do with you. Yes, people can be that ungrateful – this is quite common but when her parents are also in on this, then there is much more to this than you actually know.

My thinking is that she was married from the onset and could have been on a rough patch in her marriage when you met. She could have stayed just to enjoy the benefits of your support but realised that the truth will someday come out thus she decided to leave. There is no way after all the support, her parents would refuse to at least hear you out yet you want to discuss bride price and you already paid her college fees and sustained her for four years. They must have accepted bride price from another man a long time ago and as such could not engage you on this at the risk of divulging the information that you are evidently not privy to.

This may turn out to be a situation where you fed a cow but someone else may get to milk the cow. You did your best with all the right intentions and I think it is about time you confronted her on this issue and asked her to come clean. However, as you confront her and whichever way this goes, you may as well just count your losses and know that you did a good thing. It should not matter if she is ungrateful, what is most important is that you did a good thing and you gave it your best.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

One can only imagine how you feel -- that annoying feeling of being used to achieve a target. People are increasingly becoming ‘innovative’ as far as their survival is concerned. I do not think that your girlfriend has changed but she has achieved her objective that she all along had intended. I am sorry if this sounds callous but, unfortunately, it is the truth. I also believe that her people wanted someone to shoulder her college education and they were aware of the whole scheme.

You do not need to judge yourself harshly. You have done nothing wrong. Though your time and resources have been wasted and most of all your hopes dashed, you need to move on. Over-dwelling on this relationship will only hurt you more or make you increasingly vulnerable to their abuse.

It is a painful experience but you need to forgive them so that you get your power back because unforgiveness is yielding your power to your offender. You can turn this around and see it as a gesture of kindness and goodwill to humanity and such never goes unrewarded. It is interesting that we rarely appreciate and allow ourselves to enjoy the great feeling that follows our acts of kindness. Instead, we wait for the recipient of our goodness to appreciate us -- many times they do not do it.

With such a perspective, you will be able to rise above your girlfriend’s dishonesty and guard yourself from bitterness. From what we have read, you are a great man and you will find a befitting partner.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology