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Love is not about losing your individuality, but about two whole individuals daily choosing to walk together and cheer each other's individual growth.
It is healthy and important not to lose your voice or choke your social life in the name of marriage. Marriage is the highest form of human connection but it shouldn't be the death of other social connections and human endeavors.
Find your own individual dreams to pursue and let it fit into the joint vision you both have. Give your spouse a chance to celebrate your individual success, a chance to hear good things about you and what you do.
Find your own friends who you choose as an individual and introduce them to your spouse, let your spouse know your circle as you maintain boundaries. He/she may not get close with them but your spouse will rejoice watching you socialize with quality friends who are pro your marriage, provided that you don't neglect your spouse.
Find your own "Me time", your breathing space, your alone time to just reflect and collect your thoughts. A healthy you will lead to a healthy marriage.
Find your own identity, don't lose your uniqueness. Add your flair and spice into the marriage with your unique personality. Don't lose yourself.
Find your own preference and taste, do things that make you happy provided that they don't bring friction in your marriage.
Find your own adventure. Go out and explore, read books, learn, meet new people, get wind of new opportunities and come share them with your spouse. See the world and expand your view. Challenge your spouse, take your spouse beyond the walls of your house and teach your spouse a thing or two.
Find new challenges for you that will lead to your personal growth. Go get your Masters or PhD, apply for a better job, enroll into that charity club, join a chama, start your own ministry; as long as you inform your spouse of your next move and make sure it doesn't negatively affect your marriage.
Find time for your personal worship. Your walk with God is personal. Even as you pray and worship as a couple, make time for individual quality time with your Maker. God wants to speak personally to you.
Find time for your hobbies. Your spouse would love to see you doing things you enjoy and that make you relax; be it swimming, sports, playing with kids, watching movies, dancing. Find your hobbies that your spouse can enjoy with you or support you to enjoy or just watch you enjoy.
Find your legacy to leave behind. You came into this world alone, without your spouse; you will leave this world alone. When you leave; what history, legacy, blessings will you leave behind as an individual?
When you get married, you become one. But even in your oneness, remember there is more to life than marriage, sex and having children. Marriage is not the sole purpose for which you were created.
When you still nourish, nurture and grow yourself as an individual and your spouse does the same, you put less pressure on your marriage. The reason why many marriages are straining is because the two in it put undue pressure on it thinking their entire existence revolves around their marriage.
Individuality is often not celebrated in many marriages because of insecurities, competition between husband and wife, society's lie that you ought to forget yourself in marriage or the fear that individuality will lead to selfish acts like infidelity, friendships that ruin marriages or abandonment.
But when you both are secure and wanting growth and holistic balance for each other; it leads to a fulfilled and prosperous marriage. Two fulfilled individuals make a fulfilled marriage.
© Dayan Masinde
In my new book, WOMANHOOD SERIES, I remind women not to forget themselves in the name of love and how they can find themselves and glow as they balance love and individual growth.
In my other new book, MANHOOD SERIES, I remind men of their individual identity and its place in marriage. I show the ways to be the best man as an individual growing in all aspects of manhood.
___________________________________ To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer . To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.
