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The disappointments that come with a relationship

By Freshier Methu | February 19th 2017
The things that hurt us in life most, I will tell you are not always lack of money, food or a job, sometimes what hurt us most is being misunderstood especially in a relationship.

 That time when there is a discussion or an argument and you literally shape and mould your words to come out right and just when you thought you have them in a way your partner will understand, you speak them out expecting him or her to smile, see lots of sense and therefore create a room for reconciliation; but boom! Hell explodes.

You stand there wondering, ‘didn’t I package these words to sound right, wasn’t I not careful to ensure they were not hurtful to both of us, I even used nice words to make him feel the great man that he is.

What went wrong?’ By this time you are all teary, scared or alternatively, you are so mad, you want to kick your brain for packaging the wrong words. But is it you or is the partner in your life who misinterprets?

I have been in one of these arguments where I try my very best to speak my thoughts thinking I am building a relationship just to find out that the materials I had prepared and the plans that the architect that is my mind had designed to use and actually thought would build my dream relationship come toppling down with a bang!

The pain is so real, and yet your partner will also say he is hurting too. Is he hurting? Did he say he is hurting too when all this time I was trying to make him feel good or see my point in a nice way?

Does he know that it had taken me hours to put words together that would act as cement to mend our broken relationship?
Does he even understand what I was going through as I tried to bypass my pain to make him feel that I care and still want to make the relationship work?

So you vent. You vent so much, you remember the last time he wronged you, when he apologised, you were like; ‘It is okay Darling, I understand’ and meant it, yet now you are apologising to him and he reminds you of your past mistake as if he hasn’t heard that you have already apologised.

 Why not return the favour like you did when he apologised and didn’t make it hard for him?

You vent some more, you decide it is time to say goodbye to this relationship that is not working, then you stop to remind yourself that even the next one you will sign into, you will start afresh to build a relationship.

You stop again and realize all this while, you were venting, screaming and shouting was in your head yet you could have attested that your neighbour, your Aunt whom you talk to when things go wrong and your best friend was present in that conversation, yes, you could see them cheering you on, you even wonder why nobody for the last one hour or so never quietened you down. For in your ears, it felt so loud!

That is the time you come down to earth and notice that all that conversation was happening in another realm that is in your head because everyone in the house is busy doing their business.

 Your partner left hours ago and didn’t notice him leaving, and where you were at the kitchen counter before the conversation erupted into a volcano, where you were busy kneading flour to make chapatis; the dough has even shrunk out of all the punches you made at it. Your hands are almost bleeding. Ha! Relationships!

Yet humans were made to interact and form relationships. When out of one, we jump to the next.

 Sometimes we swear celibacy just to break the vow and sign in to another one and the cycle begins, the war intensifies and we are tempted to make an emergency call direct to our maker God and ask him to send ASAP a manual inclusive of videos and audios on how to handle a peaceful relationship.

Be it between a boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage before you jump off a cliff out of frustration or land in jail because you broke someone’s neck.

But before you do so, as in before you land yourself in places you can never return ask yourself if in a relationship whether you acknowledge that the two of you are individuals who share very little in common, have different needs, different hobbies and your thinking processes are totally different too.

Therefore with all these differences, don’t drag your partner to do window shopping just because you are a woman and shopping happens to be your hobby, at the same time a guy should not drag his woman to a football game just because he is a fan, and both should be okay the other going out to enjoy what makes them happy as long as it doesn’t violate their relationship.

The best key I have learnt to use is to give my partner space, and to honour his choices and views like I said if they are legit and for him to do the same for me and we are good.

I love being in a silent room, no noise, just me and my thoughts.If you think this is boring, I will tell you it is my most valuable time.

I get to de-clutter my mind and re-organise my thoughts, and him honouring my quiet time makes me feel great that he understands me and doesn’t belittle what I consider valuable to me.
I do not belittle what he considers valuable to him and therefore somehow it works for us.

What is your best key that you use to keep your relationship working and sane? Mine that has been working lately is giving each other space.
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