Help, how do I get an orgasm?

Hi, I am 27 years old and have been married for four years but have never experienced orgasm. Ever since I started having sex I do not feel anything and I understand that orgasm makes a woman feel good. My husband gets angry when I do not "come" so I have been faking it all this time. I love him but he is terrible in bed and I like sex very much. Sometimes he is not in the mood or he is too tired to have sex. We only have sex when he wants us to so I think he is only after satisfying his own needs. Please help me on what to do to enjoy sex!

{Lily}

Your Take:

Lily’s husband has not heard the song with the line, Zubaa, zubaa utapata mwana si wako. Women have learned how to cheat so those guys who suck in bed or treat ladies badly should know that she could be getting it elsewhere.

{Joe Makaba}

Lily, I think you know very little about what is happening in many homes. After some time, in every relationship, sex becomes less pleasurable and boring. Four years is a long time for you not to have had an orgasm. Maybe the problem is in your mind. Remember that women enjoy sex differently depending on their monthly cycle. To expect that he will always be up for sex every time you want it is not fair. You should also take care of your diet. If you are eating too much fatty foods and not working out, then you cannot expect to have an earth shaking sex life.

{Jimmy Otieno}

Lily needs to understand that for a woman, orgasm is not easy to attain unlike men who who climax easily. Women are just not created that way. We are like iron and tend to take long to heat up equally so to cool down. You cannot reach climax if you are not turned on well. Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to climax. So it is important for your man to know your clitoris. If you are under any form of medication, read the instructions for side effects. Some medicines can stop women from enjoying sex fully. This is the case with me and so I get bored and give up. You can use indirect clitoral stimulation and think about exotic things and words. Also looking at your man when you have sex could increase your pleasure.

{Milka Wanja}

Too sad you are misusing the greatest sexual organ that you possess — your mind. Sex is not all about achieving orgasm every time you and your partner get intimate. A lady can achieve orgasm even without penetration. The secret is telling your partner what your pleasurable spots are. If you find it hard to do this, lead him with your hand. A man is turned on by a woman who knows her body. Sex is not a tool to punish each other and does not have to be penetrative always. You could simply kiss, massage or caress each other sensuously. Also, spice up your sex life by trying it out in other places besides the bed, different positions, setting the mood early in the day through phone calls and sexy messages, getting some nice lingerie or taking a bath together.

Above all, remember that if there is tension in your relationship, it will be carried over to the bedroom. Work on the relationship first then the sex will eventually work out.

{Joyce Wanja}

My take:

This is the second time we are discussing this issue and in the unresolved matters folder there are a few pending questions on the same. Nonetheless, it is our duty as friends of The Lounge to help those in need till the issue is fully resolved.

What is orgasm?

You may be surprised at the number of women who can clearly describe orgasm. In the last two weeks, I talked to nine women aged between 24 and 35 and two men.

Out of these, only two women gave a clear explanation — they had an idea, yes, but they could not quite place their hand on it. This revelation shocked me and I realised that many women could be shouting from the rooftops that they have never had orgasms while they experience them regularly.

Orgasm is a series of activities in the body originating from the brain to the vagina through the body and back to the brain, which facilitate the release of sexual tension (Dr Lonnie Garfield’s book, The Fulfilment of Female Sexuality).

All ladies confirmed that their main distinguishing factor in identifying orgasm was the intensity.

How intense is intense?

This is where many lose it since if you rely on other people’s descriptions and observe from movies, one begins to think that it is orgasm only when one starts speaking in strange tongues and shouting all over. Yes, orgasm leads to some involuntary actions but it can also be felt within. Since orgasm differs from one person to the other, do not listen to their description of it; rather observe your bodily changes, feelings and reactions. It is like describing how a doughnut tastes — it is good; but good is relative.

How to get an orgasm

It is a common thought that orgasm is a sexual activity and, therefore, many start thinking about it when lovemaking starts. As earlier described, it is the release of sexual tension and naturally one cannot release what they do not have. This tension may be built over time (a day, several days or even weeks) before the sexual encounter. Sexual tension builds up in women the same way it does in men. It involves the things we see, what we think about, what we read and what we hear. I asked all if they had been in a situation where the day was not so busy, did not hear from their husbands, did not anticipate sex in the evening but "as usual" he came calling for the goodies — what were the chances that they would experience orgasm? All except one responded nil. They said that sometimes they enjoy sex but do not get an orgasm, as compared to a day when there were some exotic text messages, received flowers, read a romantic book or magazine.

For Lily and those in similar situations, try building up some sexual tension in the mind in the course of the day. If he does not send any texts, send him some hinting that you anticipate some action. Do anything that triggers the sexual part of your brain earlier on and watch for some change. Many times we subconsciously put immense pressure on ourselves to enjoy sex towards orgasm. This is wrong and the more pressure you put on yourself the less likely you are to enjoy or even perform.

The biggest sexual organ

The brain is the largest sexual organ anyone could ever have. It is not about penile size, body shape or sex position. If you are not in the right state of mind (stressed, uptight, tense, tired or broke) not even the "hottest" position will get you to orgasm. I encourage you to work on your brain. Having an orgasm is a wonderful feeling and we (all men and women) should have our fair share of it.

Other factors that limit us from achieving this highly desired feeling include noise (any distraction such as weak and badly crafted beds, the phone), worries, too much effort and location. Relax! And in summary, if you cannot arouse your own brain, no one else can. This is the first step to a fulfilling orgasm.

{Taurus}