Millennials are saying no to traditional marriage... in record numbers

 I am tired. On behalf of latter-stage 20-something-year-olds everywhere, I have had it up to here with the relentless pressure to stagger down the aisle. Up to here, I tell you!

I say 20-something, but I’m talking about my fellow millennials who are staring down the barrel of 30, which according to common knowledge, is when life ends. Everyone knows this.