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Harold blames Sue's warm welcomes for climate change

SUNDAY MAGAZINE
By Peter Theuri | November 21st 2021

The noise around COP26, the summit in Glasgow held to seek solutions to the worsening global warming, triggered reactions in Gitegi with Harold, as usual, at the centre of it.

First off, why would China and India throw stones when inside a glasshouse (or what is a Glasgow, asked Harold) and how can Gitegi, wee and unnoticeable in any world map help in the fight to prevent climate-changing for worse?

In Glasgow, like in Paris in 2015, world leaders came with a resolve to cut down greenhouse gas emissions. 

Harold did not understand why greenhouse gases are an issue.

“Does that mean that crops grown inside greenhouses are dangerous because greenhouse gases are dangerous?” he asked as he cleaned his muddy toes using the hem of his cassock.

To explain that these were gases that trapped heat just above the surface and thus led to the dangerous warming of the earth was a big problem.

The next day, Harold called his own summit, where leaders from Gitegi would debate how the village can help the world in preventing an imminent calamity.

Shockingly, the leaders came in their numbers. I could not, however, tell what or who they led. Inside the Harold’s Assemblies of Holy Associates (HAHA) church, they settled, murmuring furiously, discussing possible solutions to the impending crisis.

I called the meeting to order when the last leader, Sue, swaggered into the church, some of the most ardent followers in tow. The leaders began making their submissions.

Githendu, usually the first to speak, talked about coal plants that were bugging other countries. He was happy people in the village chose maize, beans, onions, potatoes and tomatoes as favourite plants on their farms.

“Coal plants? Why would anyone plant coal? I think we are doing well by not having anyone plant coal here.”

Harold nodded solemnly. 

The next speaker, Mama Jane, who runs a small hotel, said that one of the main reasons there is uncontrollable warming is people lighting fires everywhere to cook.

“That is why we have been encouraging people to eat in hotels. One fire to feed so many people instead of lighting fires everywhere,” she said. People with businesses applauded.

When Sue’s turn came, she accused Harold of not doing enough to see trees planted in the village and for charging people to watch the TV, which was donated to the village by a Good Samaritan.

“Through the TV, we would have long learnt how to help these countries that do not have good climate by sharing some of our own climate,” Sue concluded.

Harold was taking notes and cursing under his breath.

When Harold’s turn came, his aide de camp, yours truly, ran up to him with the speech, which was a solid 2000 words in a pair of foolscaps.

But Harold stuffed them in his cassock’s pocket.

“As a leader of the village, I have taken your submissions into account. Some of them I have upheld but some I will dismiss. And on top of them all, I add mine.”

He looked up and at Sue.

“You are one of the main contributors to global warming. Keep on telling people you offer them a warm welcome, and then allowing noise in the pub. Noise spoils climate!”

He ordered that smoking must stop in the village, and also banned smokies and ordered the village to maintain grins as the world goes green.

Sue and Ndumia lodged a complaint saying they cannot phase out cigarette smoking, but they will phase it down. The summit ended on a low.

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