Abusive hubby lowers esteem

 By Nyambura Maina

My sister is in a physical and verbally abusive relationship with her husband of five years. She is older than me and I really feel awful watching as she suffers. Her husband continually puts her down in public and in front of the children.

 After beating her, he is usually apologetic and treats her nicely until the next episode of violence. This has affected her self-esteem and confidence to the point where she no longer bothers about her appearance. How do I help her despite being her younger sister? I am tired of seeing her hurt.

Harriet, L.

Cases of domestic violence often receive media attention but in the recent past, there has been a lot of reporting on the same. It is a worrying trend that seems to go unabated despite the clamour for more stringent laws to dissuade perpetrators from committing the offense.

Putting an end to violence against women requires consistent and deliberate efforts in empowering women. This involves gender rights education, information on where to get help, accessibility to income and raising of self-awareness.

Your sister is in a violent marriage and you feel helpless to protect her from her suffering. Being younger than she is may put you in an awkward posiiton because any advice from you is perceived to be of little value. This is no reason to stop helping your sister.

You have noted with due concern that the treatment she gets from her husband is unjust and needs to stop. Violence in the home also has a negative impact on children and will influence the choices they make later in life.

So, not only does your sister need rescuing, so do the children. This no doubt adds to your frustration and the burden you already bear.

Many cases of domestic violence remain unchanged because the woman refuses to leave an abusive relationship. A number of reasons are given for this including financial dependence on the husband, low self-esteem, fear of breaking the family apart and the stigma associated with divorce among others.

This maybe a contributing factor towards the apathy often displayed by law enforcement agents when dealing with domestic violence cases. Sadly, those who choose to remain find themselves fatally injured or maimed for life as the cycle of violence in the home escalates.

A lot of information is available on domestic violence and it would be a good idea for you to acquaint yourself with it.

If your sister decides to make changes in her life, she needs to know she can rely on you for support.

Information is a handy weapon to arm yourself with so that when the time comes for decisive action, you will know where to turn to for assistance. The following organisations based in Kenya are useful places to start:

* COVAW (www.covaw.or.ke)

* CREAW (www.creawkenya.org)

* FIDA (www.fidakenya.org)

* Nairobi Women’s Hospital (www.nwch.co.ke).

Common counsel

Unnecessary agony

I have a friend whose husband would beat her senseless regularly for no apparent reason. When her children were away in college she finally summoned courage to leave. For her the last straw came when her husband woke her up one night from bed to warm his dinner.

He dragged her from bed by pulling her braided hair. By the time she reached downstairs, part of her scalp was bald and bloody. She was in serious agony. An abusive man will always find something to stir up his rage and start a fight. Please tell your sister to get out while she is still in one piece.

Emily, 45.

She should get help

I was in an abusive relationship for many years. My boyfriend and I would go partying on weekends and drink a lot. But on our way home, he often accused me of being with other men. I loved him a lot and suffered a trying to make him trust me.

My break came when I met and befriended recovering alcoholics. I came to understand that I was giving away my power and allowing my boyfriend to control me. I also learnt that I had a choice in the matter and I could say No to the violence and Yes to my own dignity. After that I never turned back to abusive relationships or alcohol. Both were ways of avoiding taking responsibility for my life. Get your sister to join a support group — it really sends the message home.

Makena, G.

Disciplined steps

If your sister obeys her husband then she will not find herself in harm’s way. A man will discipline his wife if she is disrespectful towards him. A man will also get worked up if his efforts to support and provide for his family go unnoticed and unappreciated.

Tell your sister to humble herself and praise her husband more often. If he is treated like a king, then he will have no reason to complain".

Matthew, K.

An exit strategy

Your sister needs to have an exit plan. A personal bank account that her husband knows nothing about is a perfect strategy. Property in her name is another option. A strong network of girlfriends who can provide shelter for her and the children is also necessary.

The fact that she is not taking care of her appearance means that she has already slipped into depression. Take her out and spend the day being pampered at the hair salon. If you have brothers, make them aware of the situation in case there’s a need for ‘muscle’.

Nyaguthii, 37

Empathy needed

Take her for counseling. She is afraid of her future and that of her children if she leaves. It is not that she doesn’t want to leave, it’s that she doesn’t know how. There are many organisations that can help her face her reality and guide her legally and facilitate emotional healing. It’s a long process so be patient with her and let her know that you are there for her.

Mbai, M