Am I dating someone or walking on eggshells?

He probably also has a childhood history of a disrupted family life, abuse, abandonment or neglect (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

I love my boyfriend, but after a romantic start to our relationship, his mood swings have become scary! One moment he’s smiling, the next in a wild rage. He’s insecure and forever thinking that I might leave. What’s going on?

Chris says,

Mood Swings

Hi Mood Swings!

It sounds like your boyfriend might have a personality disorder called ‘borderline.’

He’ll mostly be calm and rational, even charming, but then he explodes into anger over trivial incidents. Just you being late might trigger extreme sarcasm, or even fury. Your relationship’s becoming chaotic, stormy, intense and unstable, swinging wildly between love and fear. 

Your boyfriend’s actually terrified of being rejected, and probably complains that you don’t care enough. He probably also has a childhood history of a disrupted family life, abuse, abandonment or neglect.

Will things work out? It all depends on whether he’s willing to accept help. Most borderlines won’t, and blame everyone else for their problems. If that’s him, then you should end the relationship. But if he does, then you can have a good life together.

You’ll need to be patient and to learn not to take his outbursts personally. Especially his fear of rejection. Because it’s much easier to step back from an outburst if you understand where it’s coming from.

You should set limits, though that will be difficult as he’ll react strongly. But don’t put up with his outbursts just for a quiet life. Instead, make it clear that you’ll step out anytime he starts heading towards a rant, for example.

When he’s calm, try to have some supportive conversations about his behaviour. Especially how it affects you. Help him acknowledge and own the problem.

Introduce the idea that his family background might underlie his behaviour. Especially his fear of rejection. And that his behaviour is something that can be changed if he works on it.

Try not to blame your boyfriend for his outbursts and insecurity. Even as you refuse to tolerate them, and to help him to change. Because with your support, you can lead a full and rewarding life together.

All the best,

Chris