He won't say he's upset but I can feel it, why?

People often use the expression passive-aggressive as some sort of vague insult (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

One of my friends said my boyfriend was being passive-aggressive, but what exactly does that mean? 

What’s He Doing?

Chris says,

Hi, What’s He Doing!

People often use the expression passive-aggressive as some vague insult. But it really just means expressing anger indirectly instead of openly, and mostly it’s just plain funny.

But it can build into a pattern that destroys a relationship. Because if your boyfriend yells at you, you know he’s mad. But if he’s being passive-aggressive, he’ll hide his anger behind actions that appear quite normal.

For example, he might appear to agree with a request, but then nothing happens. Or complain about feeling under-appreciated, start ‘forgetting’ to do things, or make backhanded compliments aimed at getting back at you without admitting their true feelings.  

And to be truthful, we all do a bit of that from time to time.

Like, maybe you go passive-aggressive with your boyfriend when a ‘no’ will cause a row. So you agree to a demand, but comply with it half heartedly, hoping it won’t arise again! Couples also often fight passive-aggressively by withholding favours, such as sex, cuddles or attention.

If your boyfriend’s actually being passive-aggressive and you confront him, he’ll probably refuse to talk about it. So the subject of the conversation should be your feelings, not his behaviour. Avoid attacking his personality, and confront only one behaviour at a time. Make sure he understands that you’re only trying to understand the cause of your disagreement and to make things better.

But all that can still be tricky! Because passive-aggressive people don’t communicate their feelings clearly. Like your boyfriend may expect you to somehow read his mind and meet his needs without being asked. And he’ll perhaps say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing in the first place. All very difficult to deal with.

Consider talking to a counsellor together because that will help your boyfriend to express his feelings instead of becoming resentful and passive. And a therapist will also teach you how to manage him better!

All the best,

Chris