How do I leave a man who thinks everything is fine?

How do I leave a man who thinks everything is fine? (Photo: iStock)

 Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I’ve been living together for years, but I’ve gradually realised that it’s no longer working for me. But how do I tell him?

Endings

Chris says,

Hi Endings!

I’m guessing that you think he has no idea how you’re feeling?

Because that’s what often happens as a relationship moves towards its end. One of you still thinks everything’s fine, while the other’s wondering how to leave, which means that hearing that you want to end things may come as quite a shock to your boyfriend.

So the best way to start is to tell him you’re unhappy and ask him to discuss with you how to put things back on track. Maybe that’s not quite what you had in mind, but it’s only fair when someone’s been living with you for a while.

Genuinely explore what’s wrong and try to put it right together for a short while, say a month. Because if, after that, you still feel unhappy, then it’s definitely time to part. 

Say kindly to your boyfriend that it’s not his fault, but you don’t see your future together and want to move on. Don’t discuss the relationship any further, keep things civil but formal, don’t argue, and don’t touch. You might want to hold this conversation in a public place, and to have somewhere to go rather than going home together. Prepare for that by discreetly taking important small items like your passport out of the house over the previous few days. Say you’ll arrange a time to collect your stuff and leave.

Make a clean break once you have all your possessions. Avoid places where you used to hang out, and don’t meet or phone for a while. Because he’ll only try to persuade you to change your mind and may even harass you. It’ll be a difficult time for you both, and you may be surprised by how strongly you sometimes want to get back together. But resist the temptation, and before long you’ll find that both you and he have moved on.

All the best,

Chris