Couples check-in: Are you truly in sync?

Couples check-in: Are you truly in sync? (Photo: iStock)

Like closing the pages of a well-loved journal, the end of the year prompts us to reflect on the story we have lived and how intimacy has been woven into it. Although it demands the same attention, intimacy is often overlooked when couples prioritise finances and personal goals during end-of-year reviews.

However, as this season provides an opportunity to slow down and have pressure-free conversations, consultant psychologist James Bosse says this is what makes intimacy check-ins productive.

These check-ins allow partners to take stock before stepping into a new year together. He explains that reflections help them acknowledge their lives individually and as a couple, which could also affect their sexual connection.  

When reflecting on intimacy on its own, you can start with simple things like bringing back memories of how the two of you met, the good times so far and what kind of intimacy you both need more of. 

"Talk about what you both feel about your romance and if you are both satisfied," he says.

He advises couples to look at what worked, what didn't and whether there are unmet needs that have never been voiced. You can also make it fun to give your sensual moments a language, as this will intensify the connection.

When talking about pleasure and closeness, starting with the positive elements of your life by pointing out strengths before challenges works like a charm.

“Validating what they do well creates emotional safety and makes it easy to discuss what may be missing,” says James.

Speaking about unmet needs is best approached without attacking the other’s flaws. How both of you phrase thoughts matters as much as what is said; gentle, kind language devoid of blame prevents defensiveness, he adds. 

Some of the things that can be ironed out during these check-ins are fears, rejection, feelings of inadequacy and judgment. The other is challenging the idea that one partner, particularly men, should always initiate intimacy or perform.    

Intimacy check-ins don’t need to take place only in December or when there are challenges. James says regular check-ins strengthen emotional and psychological bonds and help lovers feel understood and invalidate partners' insecurities. It will also open doors to newer passions.