How to break free from bad relationships

How to break free from bad relationships  (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I’ve been in a couple of bad relationships that went on far too long because I find leaving really difficult!

How can I avoid making that mistake again?

Bad Leaver

Chris says, 

Hi Bad Leaver!

Being able to leave is an important relationship skill. Because if leaving’s a problem for you – say, because you fear being alone – you’ll endlessly get stuck in bad relationships instead of finding someone really good for you.

Leaving skills are especially important right at the start of a relationship. So don’t get overcome by the romance of a first date. If something suggests your new friend is flaky, don’t go out with him again. Similarly, if he gets weird over the first few dates, like you gradually see signs that he’s not honest, treats people badly, doesn’t keep promises, or shows signs of insecurity, controlling, or loner behaviour. Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it is. Just leave.

Because leaving’s easiest right at the beginning and will save you endless wasted time.

What about later on? Be decisive if your relationship has problems: infidelity, financial issues, drunkenness, abuse, whatever.

Sometimes relationships fade into nothingness. So if your relationship’s becoming lonely or unbearable, start secretly to think about leaving, because leaving isn’t an event, it’s a process. And if you don’t start that process, then you’ll never leave. Start by making a plan and creating a vision of a better life.

That’s especially important if your relationship’s becoming violent. Don’t pretend it isn’t. Think how to leave discreetly and where to go, so if things suddenly begin to feel pear-shaped, you can get away.

But even while you’re preparing to go, do all you can to improve things with your partner, because being prepared to leave will shift the balance of power in your favour, and then maybe the problems will get resolved.

But more likely they won’t. You’ll feel emotional because leaving even a bad relationship is hard. You’ll feel lonely, unable to concentrate, find yourself crying, feeling sad and worthless.

All the best,

Chris