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VAS

Let the party begin for 'bunga' maestro, Sir Berlusconi of Milan

PETER KIMANI
By - | September 14th 2012

Buona mattina, Signore. Come vanno le cose? Good morning, Sir. How have you been?

I have been taking a crash course in Italian since I learnt former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi is in Malindi.

Why, Berlusconi is one of the wealthiest men in Europe, and possibly the flashiest. He often attends parties for 18-year-olds, no doubt to dispense some words of wisdom, when he is not organising parties at his mansions, popularly known there as bunga bunga.

I know that sounds like funga funga, which is not too far off from chips funga – the Sheng euphemism for packing girls away like a takeaway meal.

I think Berlusconi would be delighted about these linguistic parallels; if bunga means partying, then funga announces an even bigger party.

And Berlusconi would be pleasantly surprised to hear his Sardinia suburb, where he organised debauchery, is imitated by a neighbourhood by the same name in Malindi. That could mean what he does Italy’s Sardinia, could well be organised in its Malindi namesake.

There is no exaggeration here; I think this is kismet for the newly launched Campus Divas for Rich Men, the forum where broke female university students have a bright idea about social empowerment.

Although Berlusconi swears he has never paid for those things, those campus divas are adept at learning. They say they are not offering their bodies to the highest bidder. They are simply looking for love, especially from old men who have accumulated a bit of wealth. I think that distinction is key. They’re not looking for overnight millionaires. They are looking for people who have toiled for their riches over a considerable period of time.

Berlusconi fits the bill perfectly. He is 75, and his estate is worth several billion euros, which means a private jet is well within his means if he chooses to spoil his inamoratas.

Beautiful young thing

He also has fairly good looks, thanks to a succession of plastic surgeries – the most recent coming last year, after someone chipped his tooth in a Milan street.

From past experience, I suspect Berlusconi would start and end any conversation with a girl with the line: Quanti anni hai? (what’s your age). This was after Italian prosecutors claimed he had deflowered a beautiful young thing called Karima or Ruby.

The deflowering was illegal – even when there was consent – because Ruby was under age. Berlusconi denied ever doing such a thing to a mere child, nearly 60 years his junior. But he did not deny calling the police to order Ruby’s release after she was apprehended for theft.

Think about that – a juvenile hooker having a direct line to the highest office in the land! That’s what one might call democracy at work, as all have same opportunities to realise their full potential. This is where my mastery of the Italian language would come in handy. Since we are modest and often understate our tourist attractions – beyond the game parks or the sun-drenched beaches that frame the blue seas – I have my work cut out for me.

Using the material freely available on Campus Divas’ Facebook page, I was thinking of repackaging the information and presenting it as a key plank of Vision 2030, where private-public partnership is encouraged.

My working title would be, Multi-Racial Tourism for Social Empowerment. The programme would encourage European pensioners to visit Kenya, and interest Berlusconi to be the patron. That would radically transform the fortunes of local tourism.

Teachers pick useful lessons on the rules of engagement

Protesting teachers claim they have been treated shabbily by the Government, it’s as though they don’t matter.

Perhaps that’s the case. Although some teachers have displayed remarkably fluid motions, I’m yet to catch a glimpse of the somersaulting teacher with a balding head, the one who carries with him a horn to punctuate his message.

I think that’s what’s in short supply – somersaulting teachers with horns. But their focus should not be their footwork. Sound is what’s needed. Anything short of ear-shattering din won’t take them anywhere.

Even the union boss Sossion’s voice, poise and slight frame do not engender sufficient threat to the establishment.

But place a horn in Sossion’s hands and let him blow his heart out, and the outcome will be instant. It’s a trick long mastered by politicians. Once they set their sights on an allowance like mileage (usually falsified), mortgage (usually defaulted) gratuity or whatever, you never hear the Government say money is not available, or the financial year is in a “bad corner,” as Education Minister Mutula Kilonzo has been mumbling.

Once MPs state their claim, they dare the Speaker to read the usual prompt or else they will disrupt Government business.

Dutifully, the Speaker reads out: “All those in support say ‘aye,’ all those opposed say, ‘nay...’ The well-fed MPs bellow to the fullest volume of their lungs.

“The ‘ayes’ have it,” the Speaker will say, strike a gong to seal the deal, which sets the tax payers several billions back. Ours, after all, is democracy by acclamation.

Self-help manual that could keep cool master Gumo out of trouble

The spanking Minister for Local Government Fred Gumo, also known as Master Kaa Ngumu kama Gumo (stay put like Gumo), has been driving a stolen car. The days ahead will be testy, but the following tips might help, particularly if he intends to keep driving stolen vehicles.

First, he should stop giving Press interviews. The one he gave at the weekend made no sense. He said he had traded in his other vehicle with a Mombasa car dealer to acquire the Rangie, but had not received all the papers for the new car.

Then he said when the car dealer dilly-dallied, Gumo considered returning the vehicle, but changed his mind because the man still had his money.

For a good measure, Gumo added he rarely used the vehicle, although he often took it for servicing at CMC. Obviously, a car that’s rarely used does not require regular fixing, for wear and tear are usually consequences of usage.

He could keep out of trouble by hoisting a ministerial pennant on stolen vehicles since he has two pennants – as Minister for Regional Development, as well as Local Government. Those cannot be impounded.

Alternately, he could repair the stolen vehicles as he is a trained mechanical engineer.

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