MBA in the dock as infidelity wrecks more marriages

MBA student     PHOTO:COURTESY

By STANDARD on SUNDAY TEAM

Joan, a married mother of two, spends the better part of her evenings attending her MBA class at a public university located in the heart of Nairobi City.

After lessons, she would usually meet some of her friends to catch up on life and exchange ideas over a drink. Then she heads home in Buruburu, arriving there at around 9.30pm.

Nothing unusual in that were it not for the fact that among the “friends” she usually sees in these evenings is a man she has been seeing lately, popularly known as “Mpango wa Kando” in local parlance.

The evening classes provide a perfect excuse for her for arriving home late. The children will have slept. But she never intends to avoid them: her intention is to avoid her husband as much as possible.

The love that they once shared is no longer there, she confesses. She does not hate him as such, but she simply does not love him. She is stuck in a dry relationship for the sake of their two sons, aged nine and six.

“I found myself bored a lot.  He (her husband) stopped making me laugh. We simply grew apart and I thought to myself ‘I am not that old and I got things to do with my life,” said Joan.

So she went to school and started a relationship.

 

Excuse for mischief

It is a fact that more and more women are getting higher degrees in Kenya, climbing the social ladder in the great move to empower women. But it has also provided a convenient excuse for cheating spouses.

“MBA (Masters of Business Administration, used to symbolically represent higher education) has become the excuse for most mischief,” says a survey commissioned by The Standard on Sunday on marriage.

According to the survey, some other signs that a woman is cheating on her husband include a sudden change in fashion and becoming defensive during sexual intercourse.

The study by Infotrak Research and Consulting called “Mpango wa Kando Poll” said cheating women become overly insecure with their phones and take refuge in the company of their friends.

Majority of those interviewed said they get into “mpango wa kando” arrangements for the extra cash, for sexual satisfaction, to get children they could not get in a marriage or just to avenge a cheating partner.

Cheating men exhibit almost the same characteristics as cheating women, the report found out. Men also become insecure with their phones and more often delete all their calls and messages.

They too will change fashion suddenly perhaps to get and maintain the attention of the other woman. They will also start getting a lot of unplanned work-related trips or family meetings.

These are simply convenient covers to meeting the other woman. More worrying, cheating men become aggressive and resort to violence easily according to the report.

Lack of respect for one another, lack of sexual fulfillment and irresponsibility in marriage are key drivers of infidelity. Too many expectations of one another will also lead to infidelity.

Men are also more likely to stray when their wives are pregnant. Money — be it lack of it or too much of it — would lead to infidelity. Partners also tend to cheat when they are bored with one another.

But if the signs for cheating among men and women are almost similar, the manner in which both genders handle knowledge of extra-marital affairs contrast sharply. Women older than 40 years contend that infidelity is a forgivable evil. Women in this category will more likely talk to their men about it, or confront the “Mpango wa Kando”.

“I take it like a bad cloud that will pass with time,” said Margaret, 47, a mother of four whose husband has been carrying on with a younger woman for three years now.

“She does not know the journey we have travelled with this man before she met him. I take it that my husband is trying to amuse himself. He will finally come back to me because I know him,” she said.

To her and most women in her group, separation or divorce is not an option. Most of them will not let go of the marriage they have kept for long.  They are often willing to give dialogue a chance.

Societal norms work against the woman in this category. If the man is caught cheating, the woman is blamed for not being a good wife. The Mpango wa Kando is not spared either, she is blamed for being loose to accept the man.

“These women are unfairly blamed by society when their men cheat because their mens’ behaviours cannot be rationalised,” said Paul Oyugi, a recent graduate of Sociology from University of Nairobi.

Men over 40 years old caught cheating normally go in a defensive mode and even apply reverse psychology, intimidate the woman or just become apathetic and indifferent to the issue.

But if infidelity is something that can be tolerated upon by older women, it is definitely and unforgivable evil to women below 40 years old and those engaged.

Divorce, divorce divorce! This is the usual response to the slightest hints of cheating by women in this age group. If not this, then they will cheat back and openly flaunt the relationship to slight the man.

Blame the devil

 “The reason for this kind of extreme reaction is that these women feel they are still young and have their lives before them. More often they are educated and have liberal ideas about life,” said Mr Oyugi.

This kind of attitude, he said, is behind the rise in divorces, which has led to a sharp rise of single parent families.

When caught, men will blame it on the devil or become indifferent. Women on the hand will be remorseful, apologetic and even open up to the cause of their infidelity.

Financial stability is one of the top priorities for women considering marriage. For them, marriage should be equated with a good life – a good house, a luxury car, beautiful children and holidays. 

Thus women would rather “cry in a range rover than laugh in a bicycle”. Romance, akin the ones shown in the soap operas follow financial stability in their considerations for marriage.

But money, whether the lack of it or the abundance of it, seems to be the root cause of marital strife especially in an African setting, said the report.

Most women interviewed said they would cheat in exchange for financial favours especially where the husband is not in a position to provide adequately for the family.  However, men will take a second wife when they are financially stable. This is because in African culture the more wives and girlfriends one is able to maintain the more he is thought to be successful.

This has been fuelled by the fact that many marriages in Kenya are customary therefore allowing for polygamy in which the number of wives a man can have depend on how wealthy he is.

According to the report, men think that once they provide a wife with the luxuries of life- a good house, a car and beautiful children- then they are free to do as they wish.

In fact such men consider themselves part of the “still searching” class, more often associated with teenagers and young adults who have just left campuses. But if you think that the woman will just walk away from her cheating husband, you are mistaken. Among rich married woman, divorce in a case where the husband is cheating is the last option.

Such women persevere in the relationship and the reasons for this include shared wealth and a desire to maintain the high name that comes with the marriage.

Cohabiting?

“Men see Mpango wa Kando as a necessary evil. Men need it to keep sane, women condone it to keep the name,” said the study.

But between a polygamous marriage and infidelity in marriage, the study revealed that most women prefer the former.

“Polygamous marriage is an acceptable institution in Africa while cheating just carries with it a lot of negative connotations,” said Mr Oyugi.

The study also reveals interesting facts about current trends in relationships amongst the current generation.

Cohabiting was once frowned upon by society, but it has almost become the norm.  Young couples embrace this arrangement because the relationship can easily be dissolved and responsibilities are shared.

Since it is not formal and most probably not recognised by the families of either partner, those in this kind of relationship have to deal with less external interference.