Embracing doubt: How to grow together through fear

Embracing doubt: How to grow together through fear (Photo: iStock)

A number of women in relationships or marriages are thriving, yet it’s entirely normal for moments of
uncertainty to sneak in.

A small oversight by a partner can shake a sense of security, and suddenly, the future once imagined
feels uncertain.

Grace, a newly married woman in Nairobi, shared her feelings with Eve:

“I love him, but sometimes I worry that when we’re achieving and growing together, he’ll loosen the
bond or forget what we’ve been through. I’ve seen marriages that were strong until they just fell apart.
That’s my nightmare.”

That kind of quiet fear isn’t uncommon. Many women, like Grace, carry deep love alongside persistent
doubt. Often, this starts with the question: Am I enough?

She may find herself shouldering invisible emotional work, like making sure conversations flow,
celebrations happen, and conflicts are resolved.

Over time, that unseen load drains her peace and breeds gentle resentment. This, coupled with past
hurts, makes it easy to fear that today’s stability might slip away tomorrow, even when everything
seems calm on the surface.

According to Dr. Elizabeth Njue, a Nairobi-based relationship psychologist, these thoughtful steps can
transform doubt into deeper closeness:

1. Name the doubt.

“When questions like ‘What if he changes?’ or ‘Am I enough?’ surface, acknowledging them as signals,
not signs of failure, creates space to investigate them safely,” says Dr. Njue.

2. Reflect on its source.
She encourages couples to consider whether such doubt stems from fears of losing independence,
childhood emotional patterns, career pressures, or cultural expectations. Dr. Njue explains:

“Understanding the ‘why’ transforms vague unease into insight, opening the door to honest dialogue.”

3. Speak with care.
Dr. Njue advises using language that fosters connection:

“‘I’ve been feeling…’ instead of ‘You don’t…’. When partners feel heard and not blamed, it becomes
easier to explore and resolve underlying concerns together.”

4. Check the emotional labour.
“Is she managing most of the unseen relationship work, from organising plans to maintaining emotional
connection?” Dr. Njue asks. She urges couples to pause and assess:

“Is this energy being shared fairly? Balanced effort fosters trust and diminishes burnout.”

5. Try premarital or emotional counselling.
In Nairobi, structured programmes focusing on communication, finances, intimacy, and conflict
resolution have strengthened marriages. Dr. Njue points out:

“Couples who prepare together build more resilient and cohesive relationships.”

6. Seek professional support if needed.
If anxiety continues to linger, Dr. Njue recommends working with a therapist, especially one trained in
attachment-based approaches or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), to help couples break negative
patterns and deepen emotional connection.

She reminds us: “Doubt can be the doorway to deeper understanding. Facing it together builds a
partnership rooted not in perfection, but in trust, empathy, and shared growth.”

These gentle and grounded steps offer women like Grace a path from uncertainty to clarity: noticing
doubt, tracing its roots, speaking with empathy, equalising emotional effort, preparing as a team, and
reaching out to professionals when needed.
Through this, doubt becomes less of a threat and more of a catalyst for stronger, more connected love.