Museveni craves praise as he believes his is infinite wisdom

Uganda’s strongman – and virtual life president – Kaguta Yoweri Museveni may be a village philosopher but a sex therapist he’s not. Recently, the cantankerous dictator appointed himself Africa’s sex policeman.

In a televised speech – more like a comedy routine – Mr Museveni stunned both civilised and uncivilised worlds.

He sternly – if incredibly – warned Africans to cease and desist from a certain sexual practice because it is a damnable abomination.

He was referring to what hoi polloi call oral sex, but is known to experts as cunnilingus. Museveni should’ve known that’s not language for primetime television.

I studied the TV footage of Museveni’s shocking “lecture.” I wanted to make sure he still had all his marbles.

After all, the minds of humans of a certain age have been known to falter, or be ravaged by unforgiving mental illnesses. As I get older, I have started to think about such macabre and dreadful scientific facts.

But I was relieved to see Museveni still possessed his classic wry wit and humour as well as his full faculties. In fact, a slight wicked and sly grin broke across his face as he leaned forward to deliver the killer line. As if revealing a mysterious fact, he reminded the audience that the “mouth was only for eating.”

I don’t speak Luganda, but I am Bantu. So I was able to make out Luganda translation admonishing Ugandans to only “use the mouth for eating.”

It was surreal to watch the aged former guerilla fighter turned philosopher-king treat Ugandans like pupils in his classroom. Gasps went up everywhere from Los Angeles, California to the heart of the Congo. I paused and contemplated the moment.

I know US President Donald Trump is certifiably crazy. But I didn’t think Museveni would want to outdo him. I thought of three possibilities. Museveni is either a Neanderthal, or a hypocrite. I also allowed that he could be a stand-up comic. There couldn’t be any other possibilities.

ZERO SELF-INTROSPECTION

Dictators are a special breed. They think they know everything even when they know they don’t.

They crave adoration. They want people to believe they possess infinite wisdom. It takes a special person to be a dictator. They are messianic and have the complex of god. Museveni is one such person. There’s nary a subject on earth in which he isn’t an expert.

He’s extremely self-regarding. The corollary is that he has zero self-introspection. That’s what makes such people dangerous. They can say – or do – anything. This is the root of Museveni’s ungoverned proclivity for giving advice, especially on matters he knows little about. I used to admire Museveni for ending the reign of his murderous predecessors. Not anymore.

Museveni lost me when he became a brazen dictator and started extending his terms in office indefinitely.

He’s done so in the belief that Uganda would be doomed without him. We all know that’s totally wrong and we can be sure he will never win the Ibrahim Prize for Achievement in African Leadership even if he one day voluntarily steps down.

But I digress. What I don’t know is what gave Museveni the idea that he’s qualified as a sex therapist, a marriage counselor, a medical professional, a psychologist, or a social worker. These are the only experts who can credibly opine on the anatomical aspects of sexuality. Cultural critics, of which he isn’t, can also speak.

Which begs the question – was the head of state speaking as an ignoramus? Under Museveni, Uganda has often adopted primitive, outmoded, and misogynistic policies and practices on sexuality. It has persecuted gays and lesbians. It has criminalised commercial sex work. It has banned so-called miniskirts, or “indecent dress.”

Now the state – in the person of Kaguta Yoweri Museveni – has broken the door to the bedroom and wants to dictate how consenting Ugandans – and Africans – can and should have sex. The long arm of the state and Museveni’s eye dare you to engage in cunnilingus in the privacy of your own bedroom. Will this act of love will be construed as a crime against nature in the penal code?

Oral sex is as old as the ancients. Even the Greeks practiced it. Virtually all young people under the age of 40 – and many over that age – indulge in it. It is standard sexual fare, not breaking news.

I don’t know what planet “our dear leader” lives in. But he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. The mouth eats many things apart from food. The mouth is also a sexual organ – that’s why it’s used for kissing. Methinks Museveni was having a bad day and decided to vent by attacking one of the greatest pleasures of life.