Wedding is a family affair, do not leave your parents out

Wedding is a family affair, do not leave your parents out (Photo: iStock) This past week, I met two people who took the discussions down the wedding road. It revealed just how much the wedding scene has shifted. More and more Kenyans have moved up the economic ladder, particularly the younger generation. It reminded me of someone who told us a while back that your wedding is as important to you as it is to your parents. That is the part that the modern generation disputes, and it comes out in weddings. When the wedding is raised to such a high level of importance, what about the marriage it launches? The first person was categorical that he would never contribute to a wedding, but he could bring a gift. It is a common line I have heard from many people, both in person and on social media. Initially, I thought it was a line used by people who did not believe in weddings. It was like saying, "Were we foolish to choose come-we-stay marriages?" Slowly, I began hearing the line from church members, where a wedding is not an event but an occasion to exchange sacrosanct vows. The second person was the father of the groom. His son came home one day and announced he was getting married on a certain day. The wedding was an invite-only event, so he could not invite his friends. Every man has a boys' club. I can imagine his friends feeling hurt, wondering why he did not invite them to his son's wedding. His input was not required, neither in opinion nor financially. Only relatives who were close to his son were invited. The wedding has raised a lot of dust in the extended family. For him to share such information to show the extent of the breakdown in the family unit really affected him. I connected the two views. If we are funding our wedding entirely, then we get to choose who attends. We only invite people we can comfortably feed. This has forced many young men to take loans to finance weddings because they cannot ask their family and friends for support. I was surprised to learn that family here includes parents and siblings who are no longer close enough to chip in. The rise of the self, the unholy trinity of "me, myself, and I", has found a seat at the wedding table. This means that, as a young man or woman, the moment you take up the belief that it is good to have a wedding, you should begin saving for it. If you meet a spouse before you have saved enough money to finance your wedding, then you take a loan for it. Not your tribe I believe that the friends and relationships we create in the urban centre constitute our tribe. The tribe has always been a source of support and a safety net. However, the rat race of social mobility makes everyone compete. Supporting someone for non-essential events like weddings is seen as either wasting resources or funding someone who should be covering their own expenses. He chose his partner and the date of the wedding-where do we come in? If you have to read the room before asking for support, then that is not your tribe. If you have to call someone in to help you carry the bricks, then they weren't meant to build with you. Your tribe knows you well enough to support you. It also behoves you to be able to lend them trust because they have your best interests at heart. The quest to prove self-sufficiency, even when crumbling under the weight of debt, can come back to haunt the union later. On the contrary, funerals tend to be well-funded. The belief here is that it is a loss, unplanned and painful. This is where I differ. I would rather fund your wedding than your funeral. Not everyone will come through for you at your wedding. However, even the relatives you consider neither important nor close enough will support and attend your funeral. Your people will find a way of burying you. When you are dead, again, you will not experience the generosity, however philanthropic it may be. Funeral contributions are always based on empathy and guilt. People who should have been there for you in life just get surprised that they did not know what you were going through, or they will never be able to support you. When I give for your wedding, I truly mean well for you and your family and the journey ahead. It is like investing in a future I believe should be good and beautiful. One day, I was holding funds from friends towards supporting one of us when he lost his dad. I asked our friend, and he told me everything had been covered. So, I decided to give him the funds after the funeral without consulting the group. Some people in the group almost lynched me when I posted proof of the money transfer after the funeral. My advice to young people is never to take a loan for a wedding. Know your tribe and bring them on board; all you need to do is be sensible enough to be modest. If you believe in funding your wedding, then hold it in an exclusive place instead of not inviting some members of your family. Let the process of getting to the venue put off people. Lastly, your wedding is as important to your parents and grandparents as it is to the two of you.

Wedding is a family affair, do not leave your parents out

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