Hi Chris!

My wife really shocked me the other evening. She told me she has sexual fantasies! She says they’re just good fun, but I can’t help but feel the whole idea is wrong. What should I do? I love my wife, but I’m afraid of where all this may lead.

Really Shocked

Hi Really Shocked!

Don’t worry. Fantasies are very common - like only around five per cent of men and women say they’ve never had one. And the only reason you don’t know that? Because people never talk about them. People tell each other about almost everything else. But even close friends rarely share their sexual fantasies. They’re much too revealing, and we’re sort of ashamed of them.

Some because they think fantasies are incompatible with their ideals. But even deeply traditional people have just as many sexual fantasies as everyone else, despite feeling that they shouldn’t. 

Some worry about the fantasies they have while actually making love. But almost everyone fantasises during sex, at least some of the time. Fantasies enhance the experience, and get us out of our everyday lives for a few moments. 

Most fantasies involve a past, present, or imaginary partner. But several other themes are also very popular. Such as sex in ways that are ‘wrong.’ Like somewhere you might be discovered: for example out of doors, or in the office. Or with forbidden partners, such as a stranger or a best friend’s boyfriend.

Another common theme is being irresistible. Able to turn on your partner, even when they’re not even slightly interested. Domination and submission fantasies are also amazingly frequent. Over 40 per cent of men have fantasies where they’re in charge. And more than half of all women have fantasies about having to submit to a partner. 

None of this has anything to do with the real world, of course. Women who are aroused by submission fantasies have no wish to be forced in reality, and in their fantasies they’re actually controlling everything that occurs.

So it seems that sexual fantasies are just a natural part of being human. Mostly used to intensify arousal with our partners. And though most of our fantasies are pretty ordinary, we also use them to imagine way-out ideas without the risk of rejection. People who fantasise have the most fun in bed. They have more sex, and are more adventurous. So don’t worry about your wife’s fantasies. Instead, be grateful she felt confident enough to tell you about them. And do follow her lead! 

All the best,


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Love DoctorChris Hart