Parents are the real ‘gene therapists’

Behaviourists and psychologists say that as much as genes play a part in the development of a child’s nature, the environment that parents create at home plays a large part in how compassionate or emotionally unstable a child turns out.

PLAYING YOUR PART AS A FATHER?

There are some life values that are best taught by the father:

1. To be honourable

A father needs to show his children that what he says and what he does reflect the same set of values. And that he keeps his promises. So when you agree to do something for your children, make sure they can rely on you to do it.

2. Relationship values

A father needs to show his children how good men manage relationships. His daughters, as well as his sons. Because a girl’s relationship with her father has a huge impact on her later life. It affects her self-confidence, the way she sees her body, and her ability to love, trust and be intimate. As an adult, she’ll be attracted to men who treat her like her father treated her mother. Even if that wasn’t very nice. Because we go for what’s familiar, rather than what’s good for us.

A. Show your children a loving and equal relationship with your wife.

B. Hug her when the kids are around.

C. Help with the cooking and cleaning, by looking for what needs to be done and just doing it. So your sons learn to do that. And your daughters learn to expect it from their husbands.

3. How to be a winner

Fathers need to show their sons how to be winners in the world of men. To help them develop the independence, competitiveness, confidence and determination that will make other men respect them.

Never underestimate how important that is in your son’s life. Because men’s lives are much more ruthless than women’s and they can fail far harder. Falling short in their careers, unable to find a wife, even losing their lives: far more men are murdered than women.

4. Ambition

You need to show them that you have a clear sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. To let them see you setting yourself challenging and ambitious goals. And sticking to them. Because ambition’s never enough. You also have to persevere if you’re going to succeed.

PLAYING YOUR PART AS A MOTHER?

The most important values a mother can develop in her children arise when they’re very small, and are probably spending more time with you anyway.

1. Empathy

Show them what empathy’s all about. Children don’t learn empathy by being told about it. They learn it by being treated empathically, and by watching how you respond to others.

Teach them to be cooperative and how to handle their emotions. Especially teach them patience.

Because children who get used to everything happening on demand, have a hard time adjusting to the real world when they grow up. Nothing worth having in life ever happens quickly, and the enjoyment of easy wins quickly fades.

2. Delayed gratification

Our greatest happiness actually comes from truly mastering difficult skills. And learning how to form good and long lasting relationships.

So success in life is all about self-control. The ability to put off today’s pleasures in return for a better future. Saving rather than spending. Studying rather than socialising. Being able to stick at things when they get tough, whether at work or in your relationships. Children develop these qualities when they’re rewarded for their effort and tenacity.

So don’t let your children take everything for granted. Or over-protect them. Or they won’t learn the skills that they’ll need to reach their potential.

Instead, show them what’s really important in life. Not the latest dance craze or video, but the way you treat each other.

3. Gratitude & responsibility

Show them gratitude, by thanking them when they do chores without being asked, or get something right. And insist that they say please and thank you. And pull their weight around the house. Giving them responsibilities from an early age means that one day they’ll be as good at taking care of a family as they are managing their career.

Just as the world is unforgiving of unsuccessful men, it’s also unfair to women in many ways. So teach your daughters how to cope with the challenges of being female. And your sons to be the kind of men who value and respect women.

WHAT BOTH PARENTS SHOULD FASHION

1. Honesty

Both parents need to teach their children about honesty. Explain to them how families should tell the truth to one another, but that outside the family people often don’t.

So don’t overreact if one of your children lies to you. Instead, help them to find a way to tell you the truth. Show them how you’re also constantly striving to be better, and whenever they mess up, teach them about fixing things — and forgiveness.

Don’t ever knowingly tell them something that’s not true, even with the best of intentions. Because if you want your children to be honest with you, then you have to be honest with them.

It’s also important not to hide the realities of life from them, including all the difficult life and death issues.

So don’t pretend that everything’s OK when it isn’t. They know when something’s wrong.

You don’t have to tell them every little detail, but you must be honest. So tell them if you’re worried that Grandma’s sick, and explain how she’s being treated.

2. The sex talk

And be prepared to talk about sex. Answer their questions using age appropriate language, and do it like a completely routine conversation. Whatever they ask, give brief and honest answers. With real names right from the start.

Because using silly words, or calling things ‘private parts,’ tells your children that sex is some sort of taboo.

In fact encourage them to feel comfortable raising any topic with you, even if you’re worried by what you’re hearing. And one day your children will realise just what wonderful parents they had.