Confessions: Now that I earn more than he does, he has stopped paying the bills

I have been married for four years now and both of us work. Initially, he was the sole provider but I was lucky to get a job and I make slightly more than him. The thing is that since I started working, he withdrew all his financial support and does not do anything for us including paying school fees for our daughter although he fully supports his siblings and his mother.

We live in different towns and when he visits, he comes literally empty handed and stays as long as he wants expecting me to sustain him through his stay. He then leaves without giving me a single cent but when he is visiting his mother he does heavy shopping for her. I don’t know what to do, I am starting to hate him for his behaviour. Please advise me?

{Evelyn}

What the readers say:

At least you acknowledge that when you weren’t working, he was providing. That means he is not naturally selfish. Before you start hating him, remember he took care of you and provided for you when you did not have a job. Money can bring many issues in a marriage so get him to sit down and talk it out with open minds.

Aseri Dick

I wonder whether your problem is that he takes care of his mother or that he does not support you. Just how much does this man eat whenever he is around? You have the option of sharing with his closest friend to let him know what you expect, if you cannot discuss it with him. The best option, however, is to get him when he is in the best of moods and discuss the matter with him so that he says why he has given you a wide berth.

{Tasma Saka}

Evelyn, life is all about give and take. There is no proper guideline on what is best in marriage. What works for one marriage may not work for the other. One thing though is that all are guided by the societal norms which are similar all across. The only problem though is that many women, maybe you included, will get a bit rough when they become bread winners and especially when she is earning more than the man.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Have you shared your thoughts with him? I am sure the sobriety with which you will bring up the topic will either make or break your relationship. In polite language, remind him that even if his salary is less than yours, you still value his support. If he doesn’t mind, you can split the bills or budget so that both of you feel like you are playing a part of the marriage. Let him know that he remains the head of the family and that he must take a lead in meeting a fair share of the family commitments.

{Tracy Wairimu}

SIMON SAYS:

Evelyn, I think everyone has some element of blame in this situation. It is somewhat unusual for a man who was previously a breadwinner to suddenly stop providing simply because his wife got a better paying job. That is an unlikely change of behaviour and mindset that ought to be carefully assessed to understand what could have triggered it. He seems to be a good provider seeing that he supports his siblings but he has adopted a different attitude towards you. Could this behaviour be the result of something that happened or changed after you got that job?

In relationships, conflict is a constant feature that cannot be avoided no matter how much the parties involved love each other. However, in times of conflict, it always helps to reflect on ones actions and behaviour and how it may be contributing to the situation. Could you have said something that made him feel insecure since you earn much more than he does? What have you done to reassure him that despite the pay situation, he is still the head of that family? Do you know his thoughts about living in separate towns? Are there things you did before that you no longer do for him?

Ego is often the biggest driver of a man’s actions. If their ego is threatened, they tend to recede into a dark hole and t is could lead to the behaviour you are currently seeing. To sort out this problem, you may need to engage him in a candid discussion where you both review the situation. Discuss the jobs, get his perspective on every element of your lives and share yours as well. Take time to see what you can do to put him back in the lead as far as family issues are concerned and despite the pay situation. Put effort to make him understand that your job only came to complement his effort and that you value his support.

In addition, explain his behaviour towards his siblings and the contrast of how he behaves towards you. The aim of this discussion should not be to get him to stop supporting his siblings and neither should it be to get him to support you. It should instead seek to convey how all this makes you feel and to reassure him of how much you appreciate his support. In the end, it may trigger a discussion on what you expect him to do as you take your fair share of financial responsibilities. This will reassure him of your appreciation of his support and that you are keen to support him and not take over his position because of the fact that you earn more.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

BOKE SAYS:

Education and modernity continues to redefine traditional gender roles. In the past it was the man expected to go out and work and bring home the bread. This setup is changing as we increasingly see women taking up gainful employment.

Therefore, in a family setting where both the husband and wife earn a living, there is need for the partners to agree on an arrangement that works for them. No one partner should be overburdened by financial obligation in the home especially when the other is in a position to help.

For your case, I can see two possible scenarios. One where the more you act like you can manage all the responsibilities by yourself the lesser involved he will get. This could probably be because he just does not  know how to come in. And you seem to be  fully in charge of your financial obligations. Remember we all work better when we know that our contribution is worthwhile and needed.

The second scenario could be that the man is just irresponsible especially to his very own family.

Whichever the reason, find a suitable time to raise this concern to him. Let him know how his contribution will go a long way in easing your pressure. And how appreciated it will be. Do not shy away from expressing your needs. This could probably be what he needs to hear. Some men may not know how to handle a financially stable woman. This could be because of his family background where his father was the only bread winner and provider.

Explore this and see what outcome it brings before you can think of involving a third party.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology