What a man’s drink says about him

This week, we after random survey speaking to different women, we tell you what Nairobi women think about men and their drinks.

1. The teetotaller - There is an unwritten rule that claims that a man must have a vice. In this case ladies, beware of a man who does not drink because he is either a smoker, a lazy broke ass or the most dreaded thought, a womaniser. Most tee-totallers are outspoken and very quick to judge people who consume alcohol. They will probably be sipping water or clear sodas like Krest and Sprite. They will occasionally come up with sad tales of how an alcoholic relative almost ruined their past. Do not be fooled, this is just a cover-up for their unknown sins! Besides, if he really hates alcohol and alcoholics, why is he at the bar at midnight? Men with health issues are exempted from this category!

2. The ratchet - This category sips on hard stuff like Country Man, Sacrament, Kill Me Quick and Yokozuna in dingy structures where the bartender with the monicker Mama Pima is probably known as Nyaguthie. They are the quarrelsome lot that will shout as they go blind: "Tutakunya tu hata mkizima taa". They also believe that sipping on liquids like wine is a waste of time and money. They are the type that staggers in the middle of the night singing pre-colonial songs and threatening imaginary 'wakoras'. The tune changes as they near their humble habitats as they sing praises to their better halves, probably to coax them into opening the gate and at least allow them to share the warmth under the sheets. If you look closely, most of these ratchet characters bear scars on every part of their body, mostly acquired after a brawl in the bar over unpaid bills, random insults, injuries after falling on seng'eng'e as their staggered on their way home. In an extreme situation, they could have been slashed with a panga by angry wives after selling the family radio to satisfy their thirst!

3. The college drunk - Bluemoon, Popov, Kibao vodka and Hunters choice whiskey are the brands mostly associated with college youngins. These brands are fairly cheap with prices ranging between sh 350 and sh 520 for a 750 ml bottle. It is the only thing that a college boy can afford in between balancing the Helb money to also cater for his babes needs. These brands are just gisty and approved versions of 'changaa'. Consumers tend to get high within minutes. This is exactly what a university student needs after stressful exams or when they need to riot in the streets over detention of one of their own.

4. The shagz modo - Ladies, this is not the type you should date especially if you don't want to be spotted at some half-Mabati, half-timber joint at Dagoretti corner or a Mugithi club along Thika Superhighway. I'm talking about men who sip brown bottles from Tusker to Guinness, white cap and Pilsner. They might have invited you out for a date but please don't be shocked when they ignore you and decide to discuss Mbeca and prospects of buying another Kamugunda somewhere in Kingeero. Don't expect much fashion wise from a brown bottle consumer. Brown boots, faded leather jacket and Savco jeans is mostly their signature dresscode.

5. The hunter - He has been drinking Heineken for six hours straight and does not seem to get high? Is he also buying for his other six friends? He has been chatting up every babe that passes by his table including the waitress? Brother man over there is looking for no-strings attached 12 hours type of relationship. He is not ready for commitment!

6. Mr Know-it-all - This category sips on the middle-class cliché brands like Jameson, Black Label and The Famous Grouse! If he is not talking about his past dramatic incidences after sipping on this particular drink, he will then upgrade to discussing other brews, as well as when, where and how long it takes for them to 'mature' and acquire that particular taste. At some point he will show off photos of a treasured unopened bottle gathering dust on a shelf in his house. He will open it when Arsenal gets its groove back, he claims.

7. The Metrosexual - This category mostly hangs out at Blankets and Wine and Koroga Festivals. They attend Fashion High Tea at Windsor, and you would be blind to miss their savoir faire in choosing the perfect wine and music. If they are not sipping Mulderbosch red wine from South African Wine Yards as they pour out their love for literature, cinema, or other arts, they are sampling Lewis Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley Reserve. Such men are popular for their eye for interior design.

8. The groupie - Ever met a man who does not know what he wants to order in a bar? The type that will ask what you are taking and finally suggests that you should buy a quarter bottle of whatever you prefer so that you end up splitting bills? These types of men are mostly broke and will abandon you and join a new group of friends as soon as the bill escalates. On another occasion, he will request you pay, promising to refund via M-Pesa. Mpesa develops 'delays' and that's how you end up paying the whole bill...alone!

9. The snob - This is the type that has his PA call his favourite watering joint. He wants a table reserved at a corner. A bottle of Moet & Chandon or Hennessy in a bucket of ice cubes should be ready by the time he walks in with his entourage of equally snobbish, snortish characters. He is the type that rocks very dark sunglasses at night. He will spend half his time taking selfies with his friends holding the bottle. At times he will be so engrossed in himself pretending to be texting a business associate, while in reality he could just be uploading the photos to his instagram page.

10. The Wiseman - A man who sips dry brandy is to be respected. Any brand of brandy screams wisdom and control. This is what most literal gurus (and some refined journalists) thrive on. Unfortunately, most of these men just want to sit at the counter and reflect all night as they come up with new ideas for a book, piece of poetry or even a newspaper review. They will occasionally engage the waiter via sign language requesting for two more tots!