I'm 40 years old,can't find a man to marry me..

I got an email message from a lady. I could tell from the tone of her message that she was in emotional distress. The lady who’s in her early 40s said she is financially independent and well learned. However, no man wants to settle down with her and the ones she gets are always after her money and eventually dump her. “What should I do Scophine?” she implored.

Let me call her *Anne.

Hello Anne, need I also remind you that I am not married? You could be almost twice my age, but I also do get that you-need-to-think-of-settling-down look from my grandmother. So, I can totally relate. What I am about to tell you is what I would tell myself when I hit my forties and still not married.

Marriage is important, very. As women, society has wired us to feel incomplete without men to call husbands. It is even worse when you do not have kids at a certain age. In one of my articles, I wrote about how by all means, a woman should get emancipated and similarly, by all means, a woman should get married. I know you want to, you just haven’t met your husband and you probably never will.

No, do not get it twisted, even at 70, you can get a man who will genuinely love you and would want to settle down with you. But it is important to be cognisant of the fact that you might not find such a man, because men are everywhere, but husbands are few.

Of course, there is that bit where someone would argue that you should have focused on marriage when you were a little younger; probably in your 20s or 30s, and that perhaps you focused too much on your career and education. Well, that argument cannot be entirely rubbished, but then, what is wrong with a woman chasing her coins and getting a proper education? Time might pass you by, but where is the harm?

Be at peace with yourself and love yourself enough such that you will not have to depend on a man’s love for you to be happy or feel contented. Know your self worth and appreciate your femininity without settling for less than you deserve just because society views you in a certain manner.

Society will always judge you, no matter how accomplished you are. Therefore, refuse to live by the standards set by other people. It is your life, not theirs. Avoid people who judge you by your marital status, and instead hang around those who see you for who you are.

What is it that makes guys find you unapproachable? Do you come across as high maintenance? Are you a snob? Do you come across as desperate and ask about marriage and kids on the first date? Do you judge men by what they have rather than who they are? Or perhaps you focus on petty stuff like tribe or looks? These could be the reason you are still single.

Yes, you are well-learned and drive your own car, but can you cook? Are you a house-keeper? Men tend to get intimidated by a woman who is always wielding the corporate card and is not wifely. In other words, work on yourself and the right person will find you, or let me say, you will find each other.

Pray. God is faithful and merciful enough to grant us the desires of our hearts. He uses situations that humans find difficult to exalt His glory. However, do not let anyone fool you with those anointing oils that allegedly make husbands fall from heaven like manna. Husbands are made from good men. Get a good man and turn him into a husband because we meet them as fabrics, then tailor them into who we want them to be.

Assuming you have all that figured out, kindly, do not take it as a burden upon yourself. There is more to a woman’s life than getting married and having children.

Must you kill yourself because you have not met the one? Many women in marriages have nothing to smile about because most of them got married because they were expected to and thus, ended up as bitter women in abusive unions. Marry because you want and ready, not because you are expected to.

Find fulfilment in other things, charity perhaps, but above all things, have peace with yourself and say, “If I get someone, fine, if I do not, so be it.” *Anne, there is more to life. I hope you find love, self love inclusive, and happiness. I would keep this to remind myself of what I would tell myself when two decades from now, I am still unmarried and worried.

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